It's been a long time.
Most of my readers probably know me in real life. And to be honest, writing this post took so much courage from myself.
I've been diagnosed with Cervical Syndrome. It's not deadly but the pain is really unbearable. Whenever my shoulders acting up, I often found myself crying in silence. I've always been a burden to those around me and after discovering my illness, I feel like I become even more dependent. I hate feeling so useless and need help from other people but at the same time, I need it. I can't drive my own motorcycle for too long so I need my brother to take me to the hospital everytime my shoulders acting up.
I want to get a stable job so I can help my mom paying her debt but with my condition, I don't even have the confidence to apply to any companies. So, once again, I'm a burden.
I always want happiness in my life, as simple as that. But with my health and how messy my family is.. I doubt it will happen anytime soon. I'm not a patient person but I think I've been patient enough to get to where I am now.
My cousin's marriage is just a week and half away so I'm trying my best to hold on until then. But the thing is that I made a promise with myself. If things don't get better next year, I will probably be gone, for good. But if it does get better, I will stay.
I'm just a burden anyway. No one will miss me if I'm gone, right?
I've been cutting for a few years now and it's not like I do nothing to get better. I did. I reached out to an online community but they only replied to my e-mail once and that's it. I asked a doctor to get a reference letter to go to the psychatrist but all I got was a long lecture about how I should have more faith in God. It was really humiliating and dear God, I don't want to do that anymore. I also came clean to my mom and dad but they did nothing. So, I guess, I'm really not important. Based on those responses, I told myself that I will see a psychiatrist with my own money but as it turned out, the price is too expensive for a jobless fresh graduate like me.
Mental illnesses are still considered taboo. Those who go to the psychologist or psychiatrist are considered 'crazy' in literal meaning. Maybe, just maybe, if I go, people around me will start to consider them as important as physical ilnesses.
To those who stay by my side even after I told you my dark thoughts, I salute you. And to those who left me, thank you to spare your time to know me, to talk to me.
Hah. I feel like I'm writing a letter.
