To you, from I

Hey, I would love to say these things directly to you, but you are too busy. And I’ve lost count how many time you told me that my calls were just bothering you. I’ve come to realize, maybe.. you never love me.

I thought you would miss me after those 2 weeks, but you don’t, do you? You don’t miss me at all. Isn’t it tragic that I miss you all the time we were apart? That’s crazy. I mean, when I was busy with all those homeworks or when I was alone in my room at 2 in the morning, you were always coming into my mind. And I thought you would’ve missed me too. Apparently, I was so wrong.

I should’ve known from the start.

You never said those words. The ‘L’ word. You never said it. Instead, you just kissed me and told me to not talk about it. How could I do that? You were my first kiss, you will forever be it. I can’t just forget it. It was special to me, so were you. And again, I thought I was special for you too.

On the fifth day.. you made me cry. You like to disappear without explanation. At first, it was okay. And again, I thought I would get used to it. But I can’t. You are just too complicated. I failed to understand who you really are. I don’t expect you to understand me.. even part of me wished to, I really don’t expect you to come to me and be like “I know you’re not okay. Here, let me hug you”. That’s not you.

You’ve been gone for a week. And when I called you, why do I have to ask “am I bothering you?” to you? Isn’t that unnecessary? I mean, I basically your girlfriend (or am I not?). I’m tired, honest. I’m tired of asking that, tired of hearing “yeah, you kinda bothering me” from your mouth.

What do you really want from me? Do you just want someone to kiss without having a feeling? If you do, then I highly suggest you to leave me immediately. Because I can’t do that. I can’t be your friend with benefits. Either you like me or we just be friends, for good. I don’t like being dictate by someone. I’m done with that and right now, I want to decide my own life.

I’m sorry, I don’t think ‘us’ can go through this.

You have your own world, the one which you’re not ready to introduce me into. And I have mine, the one that I’m so comfortable with. And even though I wanted to introduce you to my world, it seems like you’re not willing to go deeper than you already are.

I love you, that’s a fact. So, that’s why I don’t want you to suffer in our relationship. I’m letting you go. It will be hard, I know, but at least I will still be alive. I will survive the heartbreak, I’ve done that so many times before and I know that I will always survive. I wish you tons of luck too. You are too precious to spend your life just smoking and drinking. And anyway, you still can tell me your stories.. and jokes. I’d like to hear them once again.

Semarang, November 2nd, 2014

Dina