Fear

I’ve been gone for a quite some time, haven’t I?

There are literally so many things going on in my life and I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I’m being honest, I’m tired. This is all so overwhelming for me. All I want to do is curling up in a ball and crying my eyes out.

But this is life.

It sucks at the moment but it will get better.

I love my life in general but right now I just hate it so much. Things are going out of control, my headache is getting worse by each passing day but I still have a shitload of works to do.

People might say crying is a sign of weakness. I completely disagree. From what I’ve known, most people crying because they have been so strong for so long and it just a matter of time until they break.

In my entire life, I always fear failure.

My father always telling me to be the best from the best. If I can’t then I basically fail to fulfill my duty as his child, to please him. Thus I have to study and work even harder than before.

And right now, I’m scared.

What if I fail to pass a certain subject in college? What if I get a C on my report card? How is he gonna take it? Am I gonna be a disgrace to my family?

I should be doing my final paper but instead I’m writing on this stupid blog because I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried to talk to my bestfriend but it was useless. I’m still having a lot of ‘what if’ questions swarming through my head.

My eyes are burning from my lack of sleep and I haven’t got time to do any exercise. I wish it would be over sooner. I wish the situation could be less hectic. I wish I could be strong for a little bit longer.

I’m sorry for being a mess.

Mummy, I miss you and your soothing words.

I don’t like Semarang. It’s crowded, full with inconsiderate and selfish pricks who are willing to do anything to be on the top. It’s also hot as fuck.

I want to go home.

Dina