Life is confusing and cruel.
Ever since I was in primary school, I always had a dream to begin with. Although it changed like every year, at least I have one stable thing about life. Strangely enough, no matter what it was, I always put my parents first.
When I was in middle school, I started to like English as my second language along with so many English songs. And then I started to dream about going abroad, be it for working or studying or even just travelling. That dream grew bigger when I was in high school. I remember reading English novels and watching so many movies with English subtitle just because I wanted to expand my vocabularies. I would pause a movie when I didn't understand a word to search it up on the dictionary. I also started writing short stories in English. It wasn't because I had to do it, nobody asked me to do such a thing. I was willingly to do that because I enjoyed it (and Allah knows I still do).
Back then, I was so happy about that dream and I intended to do just that.
I just graduated from uni as a Bachelor of Literature. And I still remember how passionate I was. You could ask my classmates about it. I even wrote an English short story for one of my class for four hours straight.
When one of my lecturers read about this blog and my weekly journals, he said I was good. He even told me to keep dreaming big and aiming for Master's scholarship. And those who know me surely know that I was really keen to continue my study abroad.
I started gathering information about it, online or not.
A few weeks before my graduation, I told my parents about it. I also told them about taking a few months off to gather as many information as I could. They agreed to it as long as I got a full-ride scholarship. I was still content with it.
But a month after that, I set my mind on one scholarship which already closed on February. I told my mom about that and her reply.... I still remember the exact sentences that shatter my dreams into pieces.
"Dek, ibuk mung ngomong, ojo nesu lho ya. Daripada ngganggur, kenapa gak nyari kerja aja dulu? Siapa tau kamu bisa ketemu jodoh?"
(I want to say something but don't get mad, alright? How about you looking for a job? Who knows you will meet your soulmate/partner?)
I joked around with my friends and said that I didn't think too much about it. But in all honesty, I do think about it and you know what? It hurts. All of my life, I've been wanting to make my parents proud of me. I want them to look me, pat my head slowly and say, "You did a good job. We're so proud of you." It may sound silly to other people but it would mean a lot for me if they've ever said that.
"Of course you'd be the first, there are only 9 students in your class"
"You could've scored better and be the first rather than third"
"Why are you always losing to that girl? You should be the first in your class"
"You got into the science class but why are your grades on the brink of failing?"
"You got B for Religion? You should've gotten A, you're embarrassing"
They didn't say anything even though I graduated with a high GPA. And after hearing my mom said that.. I feel like it was all useless. Why did I was so keen to make them proud? I shouldn't even study that hard, it seems unnecessary now because they only want me to be married.
I'm only 21. I still want to learn so many things in life. I want to have more experiences before I finally settle in. I know that I will end up as a wife someday but I want to do so many things before that happen.
I know you both love me but please, mom.. please, dad..
Don't kill my dreams.
With love,
Dee
