Dengarkan saja!

Terkadang, kita gak perlu banyak orang buat ngasih berjuta saran dan solusi. Kita cuma butuh seseorang yang mau mendengarkan cerita kita dari awal sampe akhir. Cerita sedih, bahagia, bimbang, semuanya. Karena kelegaan sebenarnya bukan berasal dari saran yang mereka berikan, kelegaan itu berasal dari perhatian mereka saat mendengarkan cerita kita.

Di jaman yang serba maju ini, kita bisa mudah mendengarkan curhatan seseorang melalui berbagai media. Via telepon atau video call, misalnya. Meskipun tidak ada skinship, kita tetap bisa mendengarkan cerita orang lain. Tapi sayangnya, kemudahan ini justru sering dijadikan alasan untuk menganggap remeh cerita seseorang. Sebagai contoh, ketika kita sedang curhat dengan seoirang teman namun dia malah sibuk sendiri dengan ponselnya.

Sebel. Kesel. Kecewa. Tapi nggak bisa ngapa - ngapain. Mending nggak usah cerita sekalian daripada lagi serius - seriusnya cerita eh malah enggak diperhatiin gitu.

As a survivor myself, it is still hard to find someone who truly cares about you mentally. Most people want to know what’s going on bu they rarely give a damn. Curiosity kills a cat, they say. But I know for sure sometimes it’s better to write my emotions on my journal than talk about it to other people. I’m not saying I won’t share my story, yang udah kenal sama gue pasti tau kalo gue suka cerita apalagi tentang yang berbau kesehatan jiwa. Sebagai seseorang yang used to bottle things up, ngungkapin apa yang kita rasain emang lebih sehat dan dianjurkan oleh tenaga profesional.

Semua orang punya emosi, baik itu yang positif maupun negatif. Ada yang bilang kalo semua emosi itu baik tapi gue gak setuju. Beberapa emosi memang ada dampak positif such as happiness. Tapi beberapa emosi justru punya negative traits such as rage and sadness. If you happen to experience rage, you will notice that things may get blurry and everything seems to be wrong. Begitu juga sebaliknya, ketika kita ngerasa bahagia, hal-hal di sekitar kita jadi menyenangkan.

Here’s a tip for you; kalo seseorang udah mau terbuka dengan kita, please listen to them tentatively. Who knows we are the last call who can help their lives? Dengarkan saja mereka, dengarkan dengan penuh kesadaran bahwa kita adalah orang terpilih yang mereka jadikan sandaran dalam hidup. Dan untuk kalian yang sudah menjadi pendengar yang baik, terima kasih. Thank you for listening.

Kisses,

Dee

Holding On

A few days ago, one of my colleagues asked me; 

"Dee, what makes you keep holding on until now?"

I couldn't help but stop what I was doing and thought about it for a moment. What makes me endure all of the pains and still carry on with my life?

As many of you know, I suffer from severe depression for the past couple of years. I even planned to end my own life. I was desperately holding on to a thin line. It was such a struggle to spend a day without crying. I cried so much that it hurt me physically. I was constantly feeling blue and unmotivated. As the day went by, my will to live also disappeared.

I desperately needed someone to calm me down and tell me that it was okay and I shouldn't have felt worthless. I knew that I needed professional help, and I did. I sought help only to be told that I was not religious enough and needed to pray more. I would be lying if I say that sentence didn't hurt me because it did. My effort to get better didn't help me at all. Instead, it made me think that maybe I really wasn't worth it. My life had no meaning and I was just a burden to everyone else.

Being asked about my motivation to hold on makes me think only one person. My mother.

She was the reason why I keep holding on until this very second. Thinking about her was enough to make me say "enough of this shit, I need to get better". Both of us were diagnosed with depression but instead of encouraging us to seek professional help, most people told us to be more religious and apologize to God for not being diligent enough. Our surrounding was so toxic.

Fortunately, I met a great psychiatrist who was willing to listen to my rants. She consoled me and told me to not think too much ahead or look back to my past. I need to focus on the present time. Instead of bottling up my emotions, I have to acknowledge them. I have to accept every emotion that comes out; anger, sadness, happiness, or even disappointment. I need to forgive my own flaws in order to accept them completely.

I used to be so embarrassed when it comes to mental health because our society teaches us that going to a mental ward in a hospital means you're crazy. In short, a mental ward is for those who have lost their mind. This perception had made me rethink million times before I opened up to someone. I didn't want people to think that I'm crazy because I am not.

Now though, I can talk about it freely without being scared of people judge me. Having depression doesn't make me a lazy bum or a stupid person. So what if I'm depressed? I still can give tutoring sessions several times almost every day.

I then ended up telling my colleague this;

"My mother is the main reason why I keep holding on. But knowing that I'm capable of doing things with my own pace also makes me believe that my life is worth to be lived. There will be bad and good days. I maybe will cry my eyes out on my bad days but that's it. It's just a bad day, not a bad life. Acknowledging my emotions has taught me that bottling up things won't do any good."

To you whoever read this, I believe that no life is worthless. You are precious in the way that maybe you haven't realized yet. Hang in there a little bit more. I swear things will get better as the time passes by. If you feel like you can't carry on with your life, reach out to someone; online or offline. You don't have to feel alone because you are loved.

Warm hugs and kisses,

Dee

Honesty

A couple of days ago, I asked my Instagram followers if they want me to write on here or not and the result was kind of shocking for me. 100% voted yes which means I have to write a new post here, so here I am, fulfilling my promise towards my dearest friends and followers on Instagram as well as writing about a serious matter; HONESTY.

It's been way too long since my last post. Life works in a weird way which eventually makes me take a couple steps back just to calm myself. Most of you who know me in real life must be aware of my condition and what's going on in my life.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was discharged from the hospital in January. And as it turned out, I have Mixed Anxiety and Severe Depression without Psychotic Symptoms. I've been going to the hospital to see my doctor once a month. 

The first visit, I was anxious as hell and ended up crying for about an hour in her room. The second visit, I still cried. I also told her about my suicide plan. On my third visit, I told her that I've been writing a journal and although it was depressing, she asked me if she could read it. I gave her my journal and she took a few pictures of the content for further analysis. She didn't tell me about my religion albeit we have the same religion. Instead, she asked me to be honest.

On my very first encounter with her, I wasn't 100% honest and lied to her. I'd built a thick wall to make myself feel safer. Even though she already told me that I needed to be honest, I just couldn't see myself being honest with her. From my perspective, she was, after all, a stranger. I'd say that she knew I lied but she didn't call me out for it. 

This fact alone makes me rethink if I made the right choice to lie to her. She then further explained that in order to get better, I need to be honest with myself first. Honesty is the key to my recovery. Not only being honest about my opinions but also being honest with my own emotions. Realizing that hiding my emotions was really an eye-opening moment for me. She proceeded to tell me that I am in fact getting better by each day and asked how did I manage to get better when in reality, nothing big really changed in my daily life.

That question forced me to think back to how it all started. I was suicidal, yes, sometimes I still am. But when I found out that my mom tried to hurt herself, it was unbearable. I thought to myself; what if I didn't make it to the hospital for her very last breath? Is this what my friends and family went through when I told them that I want to leave for good?

And after that realization dawned on me, I want to get better not for the sake of people's around me but for me and for my own sake. That honesty to myself was all I needed to make myself be a better person and not relapse until this very second.

"Okay Dee, we all get that you have mental illnesses but can you tell us the reason why you want to talk about honesty?"

My journey of mental health is not over just yet. Every day still feels like I'm about to go to a war with myself. I still have the urge to hurt myself too but I don't do it, do I? This is my honesty. Before seeing my doctor, I would deny admitting those things. Why? Because I felt like I would be perceived as a weak person if I admitted it.

With my current perspective, I know very well that being honest to myself about my own condition is the very first step to love myself. Being honest with myself has made me more open about my mental illnesses. I don't exactly know how but I can talk freely about mental health even with the elders.

Begin your own journey to happiness by being honest with yourself. Stop lying about your condition because society told you so. We're all responsible for own happiness and if we can't even be honest with ourselves about our own emotions and condition, how are we gonna make ourselves happy?

Kisses,

Dee

To Those Who May Concern

Hello, it's been so long since my last post here.

I was stuck in a deep hole and so confused about life for the past few weeks. I know some of you may think "all of us have problems too" and I'm not gonna deny that. But mine is a lot more complicated than that.

I've been feeling down for quite a while before finally I decided to start another #100happydays challenge on my Instagram. It's not daily post, because, well.. I can't have happy days without down days, can I? But I do post something when I feel my day has been okay.

Also, I finally came clean to my mom about my self-harming habit. I really thought she was gonna do something about it but instead, I got a long lecture how I should pray more and more just so I can get better. After that, I told her to just forget it. A few days later, I tried to get a recommendation letter from a general doctor to go to a psychiatrist and seek help to get rid all of these voices inside of my head. But what I got was a long lecture about how I'm not closer enough to Allah and blah blah, basically she said the same thing as my mom. And really, it's tiring to hear everything being connected to your religion. So, I told her I don't need it anymore and bury it deep.

Those who know me well must know that I've always tried to hide my true feelings and bottle up everything. So, when something blows up right in front of my face, it's easier to cry and not tell anyone else. I don't really want to be a burden for someone else, hence my hesitance of telling something as private as those.

My suicidal thoughts keep coming back and haunting my life as soon as I open my eyes. On my up days, these thoughts are so easy to slide aside. But when my down days come.... I literally thought about killing myself if it can make people around me be happy. I keep feeling like I'm a failure and deserves nothing but dead.

I try so hard to fight those demons. So hard that I easily tire myself out. But, do people know about my battle? No, they don't.

What they do know though, is that Dee is someone bright, cheerful, and always smiling even though she's awkward on so many occations. They don't know how hard it is to fake a smile throughout the day when all I wanna do is crawling up to bed to sleep and not be bothered by anyone for the whole day.

For now, though, I'm okay.

My life got messier ever since I graduated uni, including my own family. Thus, I really miss my uni years where I could laugh freely without any care in the whole world.

I've been clean for two months, too! This is a huge achievement and I'm proud of the fact that I keep surviving even though my world has just crumbled down right in front of my eyes.

Kisses,

Dee

Don't kill my dreams, please..

Life is confusing and cruel.

Ever since I was in primary school, I always had a dream to begin with. Although it changed like every year, at least I have one stable thing about life. Strangely enough, no matter what it was, I always put my parents first.

When I was in middle school, I started to like English as my second language along with so many English songs. And then I started to dream about going abroad, be it for working or studying or even just travelling. That dream grew bigger when I was in high school. I remember reading English novels and watching so many movies with English subtitle just because I wanted to expand my vocabularies. I would pause a movie when I didn't understand a word to search it up on the dictionary. I also started writing short stories in English. It wasn't because I had to do it, nobody asked me to do such a thing. I was willingly to do that because I enjoyed it (and Allah knows I still do).

Back then, I was so happy about that dream and I intended to do just that.

I just graduated from uni as a Bachelor of Literature. And I still remember how passionate I was. You could ask my classmates about it. I even wrote an English short story for one of my class for four hours straight.

When one of my lecturers read about this blog and my weekly journals, he said I was good. He even told me to keep dreaming big and aiming for Master's scholarship. And those who know me surely know that I was really keen to continue my study abroad.

I started gathering information about it, online or not.

A few weeks before my graduation, I told my parents about it. I also told them about taking a few months off to gather as many information as I could. They agreed to it as long as I got a full-ride scholarship. I was still content with it.

But a month after that, I set my mind on one scholarship which already closed on February. I told my mom about that and her reply.... I still remember the exact sentences that shatter my dreams into pieces.

"Dek, ibuk mung ngomong, ojo nesu lho ya. Daripada ngganggur, kenapa gak nyari kerja aja dulu? Siapa tau kamu bisa ketemu jodoh?"

(I want to say something but don't get mad, alright? How about you looking for a job? Who knows you will meet your soulmate/partner?)

I joked around with my friends and said that I didn't think too much about it. But in all honesty, I do think about it and you know what? It hurts. All of my life, I've been wanting to make my parents proud of me. I want them to look me, pat my head slowly and say, "You did a good job. We're so proud of you." It may sound silly to other people but it would mean a lot for me if they've ever said that.

"Of course you'd be the first, there are only 9 students in your class"

"You could've scored better and be the first rather than third"

"Why are you always losing to that girl? You should be the first in your class"

"You got into the science class but why are your grades on the brink of failing?"

"You got B for Religion? You should've gotten A, you're embarrassing"

They didn't say anything even though I graduated with a high GPA. And after hearing my mom said that.. I feel like it was all useless. Why did I was so keen to make them proud? I shouldn't even study that hard, it seems unnecessary now because they only want me to be married.

I'm only 21. I still want to learn so many things in life. I want to have more experiences before I finally settle in. I know that I will end up as a wife someday but I want to do so many things before that happen.

I know you both love me but please, mom.. please, dad..

Don't kill my dreams.

 With love,

 Dee

Tolerance

I've been dying to write something on my blog after so long! 

Hi, readers!!

Sorry for not writing sooner. I had to finish up my thesis first so I can graduate this year (you read that right, YA GIRL IS GRADUATING!). I had a lot of revising to do, hence my absence. But, well, even though it's not over yet ('cuz I still have to write an effin' journal), I can finally breathe. 

Enough of that. Tema tulisan gue kali ini bukan tentang skripsweet kok.

I know that many of you think tolerance is important in our society. The question is; have you applied the said tolerance in your daily life? Toleransi emang kelihatannya gampang, simple. Padahal sebenernya toleransi itu bukan hal yang mudah bagi sebuah bangsa yang terdiri dari berbagai macam latar belakang seperti Indonesia. Pastilah ada yang namanya pengucilan. Alasannya sepele, karena mereka nggak sepaham sama kita.

I am a muslim and I admit that I have more privilege simply just because of my religion. Mayoritas penduduk Indonesia beragama Islam, artinya yang beragama selain itu secara otomatis mendapat lebih sedikit hak dalam hal beragama. Bingung, ya? Then let me explain through an example below.

Ketika hari raya, kami para umat muslim melakukan sholat sunnah Eid tidak hanya di masjid, tapi di lapangan-lapangan milik publik. Kenapa? Karena itulah sunnahnya (sunnah: dikerjakan mendapat pahala, tidak dikerjakan pun tidak apa-apa). Tidak ada yang menghalangi kami pada hari-hari 'kemenangan' tersebut.

Bulan Desember lalu, gue kaget waktu denger KKR Natal dibubarkan secara paksa di Bandung. Massa yang mengaku sebagai 'pembela' itu ngotot kalo kegiatan tersebut tidak memiliki ijin sampai malam. Kalo memang iya, fine, mungkin memang acara tersebut pantas dibubarkan. Tapi kenapa harus ada embel-embel yang lain? Kenapa massa merasa wajib membawa spanduk bertuliskan "Masyarakat Muslim Jabar meminta kegiatan KKR pindah ke tempat yang telah disediakan (gereja) bukan di tempat umum" ketika mereka meminta panitia membubarkan acara?

I was so upset to know what went down in Bandung. Why? Kenapa harus segitunya? Apa hanya karena mereka bukan termasuk golongan mayoritas? Venue acara pun merupakan tempat umum, dan para panitia pun menyatakan bahwa mereka sudah mendapat surat tanda terima pemberitahuan dari kepolisian yang menjadi bukti bahwa mereka sudah menyampaikan untuk melakukan kegiatan sampai malam hari.

Katakanlah panitia berbohong dan mereka memang tidak memiliki ijin. Toh massa bisa membubarkan kegiatan ini secara baik-baik, bukan? Mereka nggak harus bikin spanduk macam itu, kan?

They asked them to do their event at the churches? Dude, KKR kan nggak terjadi tiap minggu. Kalo emang mereka mau menggunakan tempat umum ya silahkan, you have no right to stop them unless they don't have the permit. Coba kalo kegiatan hari itu dilakukan oleh kaum mayoritas dan mereka memang menggunakan venue lebih lama dari pemberitahuan yang mereka ajuin. Gue yakin banget hal serupa nggak akan terjadi.

Sampai disini, you get what I was trying to say, rite? 

Gue akan dengan lantang bilang gue memiliki hak lebih cuma karena agama yang gue anut. Tapi apakah gue harus setuju? The answer is no. Gue pengen semua WNI diperlakukan sama tanpa memandang SARA. I've seen enough discrimination in my own society karena emang beberapa temen deket gue non-muslim. But do you know that I've never heard they complain about it? Not even once.

Waktu jaman SMA, temen-temen gue yang non-muslim gak pernah absen nungguin gue dan yang lain sholat Dzuhur sepulang sekolah. Mereka bisa aja pulang duluan tanpa nungguin kita. Tapi nyatanya mereka rela nunggu supaya bisa pulang bareng. Waktu ada tugas kelompok pun, mereka nggak segan ngingetin kita buat sholat. Yang paling gue inget adalah mereka ikutan puasa waktu bulan Ramadhan atas dasar toleransi semata. Mereka nggak peduli kalo puasa Ramadhan nggak ada arti dan pahalanya bagi mereka.

My friends always (tolong diinget kata selalu ya) send me a message whenever Eid comes around. Pesannya singkat tapi bermakna. That's why I've always been sensitive when someone says I can't say 'merry christmas' to a Christian. Apalagi ada yang bilang ngucapin selamat natal itu sama artinya dengan auto-murtad. Wtf bruh, do you really think it's easy to change religions?!

Here's a little fact; just because I send a Christmas greeting/message doesn't mean I believe in their religion. Bukan berarti gue percaya atas kelahiran Yesus. That's not the point. Mereka juga tau kok gue ngirim pesan itu semata-mata karena gue ngehormati mereka dan agama mereka. Jadi, kenapa seseorang bisa auto-murtad cuma karena itu?

If you still believe in auto-murtad.. get the hell outta here. 

People say they hate Trump because he is racist. Jika kita selalu membeda-bedakan orang cuma karena agama atau suku mereka, apa bedanya kita dengan Trump? Aren't we the same species as him?

Please, please stop disrespecting people who are not from a same crowd as you. I believe you will not go to hell just because you tolerate them.

Kisses,

Dee 

Why was I MIA?

Hi, there.

It's been a while since I wrote something here. And to be honest, I wanted to post so many things that'd been bugging me out ever since Ramadan started. I already started a few writings but then finals came and last but not least, Eid Mubarak Al-Fitr. So, instead of posting them up here, they ended up in my draft folder. 

On July 8th 2016, my brother got a call from my aunt in Majalengka. Tante yang gue panggil Mamah ini minta bantuan buat jagain anaknya yang udah dirawat di salah satu rumah sakit swasta di Cirebon semenjak habis sholat Eid. Karena Mas Dian harus revisi skripsi, secara otomatis dia gak bisa ikut. Singkat cerita, keesokan harinya gue berangkat ke Cirebon berdua sama Ibuk. Meskipun gitu, Mas Dian janji buat nyusul ke Cirebon segera setelah urusan skripsinya selesai.

Sesampainya di rumah sakit, Suci (yang sering gue panggil Uci atau Uschi), terkapar lemah di atas kasur. To those who don't know, she was a great athlete. Sebagai seorang atlet tenis meja yang sering ikut kejuaraan disana-sini, Uci emang termasuk remaja yang aktif. Dia suka banget sama sekolah dan sepulang sekolah dia harus pergi les. Hari-hari libur lesnya sering diisi sama latihan tenis meja atau buat sebuah percobaan di rumah. Uci mungkin orang teraktif yang pernah gue temuin selama ini. However, waktu gue pertama kali liat dia tanggal 9 Juli, dia kelihatan pucat. It made me so upset to see someone as sporty as her couldn't do things she loved most.

Uci suka banget makan tut-tut/keong

Gue sendiri terakhir ketemu Uci bulan Februari lalu pas gue main ke Majalengka sama Mas Dian. Since they live too far from Semarang, it has become our routine to go there every February to see how my aunt's family doing. Waktu itu, Uci masih sehat dan masih nyiapin diri buat POPDA bulan Mei. Jadwalnya selalu full sampe-sampe gue aja pusing liatnya. Meskipun gitu, there was this thing where she bought me lots of her favourite snacks when she came home from school. Abis itu, malemnya kita sering nonton beberapa episode Running Man (variety show in Korea) di laptopnya sampe akhirnya Uci harus ngerjain PR.

Back to the main story.

Selama gue di rumah sakit, ada 2 om gue yang jauh-jauh dateng dari Semarang buat jengukin Uci. She looked genuinely happy to see them. Tahun lalu, Mamah sekeluarga gak bisa mudik karena kondisi kesehatan Mamah yang masih lemah setelah keluar dari rumah sakit. Dan tahun ini pun keluarga Mamah gagal mudik lagi karena Uci jatuh sakit. Jadi, gue bisa ngerti kenapa Uci seneng banget waktu mereka dateng. Magically, kondisi kesehatannya mulai membaik setelah keluarga Semarang dateng. I was surprised to see how much she changed just in the matter of days. She began to smile and alhamdulillah, she also began to laugh a little. Kita semua udah optimis kalo Uci bisa pulang beberapa hari lagi.

On July 16th, the results of her lab tests were starting to look good. Suster-suster bilang kalo Uci boleh pulang sore itu juga. We were so happy to hear that! Makanya gue sama Ibuk langsung mulai packing pakaian dan barang-barang punya Mamah yang ada di kamar itu. Around 5 pm, salah satu suster laki-laki dateng ke kamar dan ngasih tau kalo Uci belum boleh pulang karena suhu tubuhnya yang masih belum stabil.

Uci sempet nangis sebentar karena dia udah jenuh ada di rumah sakit. Selain itu, Uci juga bilang kalo Uci kangen masakan Mamah. Honestly, my heart broke when I heard her sniffle. Tapi karena tujuan utama gue disitu adalah ngasih semangat, gue sebisa mungkin ngehibur dia biar tetep ada kemauan untuk sembuh. Kebetulan kakaknya, Icha, juga lagi pulang dari perantauan. Setelah bercanda dikit-dikit akhirnya Uci mau istirahat.

Besok sorenya, Icha harus pulang ke perantauan dianter sama om gue sampe stasiun. Setelah nganter Icha, om langsung balik ke rumah sakit lagi buat sholat Maghrib dan makan malem sebelum pulang ke Bandung.

This is where things got a little strange..

Selama seminggu lebih gue nungguin Uci, semua orang selalu dibilang bau. Selain itu, Uci juga gampang mual kalo udah nyangkut bau makanan. Maka dari itu, gue dan penunggu yang lain hampir gak pernah makan di dalem ruangan. Anehnya, di Minggu malem itu dia minta gue, Ibuk, om, sama Mamah buat makan bareng di dalem ruangan. Awalnya gue nolak karena gue sebenernya mau terus ngipasin dia (suhu tubuhnya masih 38,3 C). Tapi entah kenapa Uci keukeuh nyuruh gue makan malem bareng yang lain. 

"Sini kipasnya. Mbak Dina makan aja. Uci pengen liat semua makan bareng"

"Hm enak," kata Uci waktu liat kita makan bareng

Gue bahkan sempat fotoin menu makan malem kita dan ngirimin foto itu ke Icha yang lagi ada di kereta. Setelah selesai makan, gue lanjut shift jaga malam (mulai dari jam 9an sampe ngantuk; biasanya jam 12-1 pagi) sementara om pulang ke Bandung. Mamah dan Ibuk istirahat sampe nanti gue mau tidur.

Selama gue jaga, Uci gak rewel. Paling minta minum dan dikipasin aja. Sampe gue minta ganti jaga pun, Uci masih tidur pules. Tapi siapa sangka 3 jam setelah gue tidur, semuanya berubah 180 derajat? Since she lost lots of blood, she looked incredibly pale and weak. Uci juga beberapa kali bilang mau kehilangan fokus. Inilah yang akhirnya ngebuat dokter mindahin Uci ke ruang ICU beberapa jam kemudian.

Gue tinggal di kamar buat beres-beres dan sholat Dhuhur. I kept praying to Allah just so she can survive. Gue terus-terusan mikir kalo Uci itu seorang pejuang dan gak akan nyerah. Setelah selesai sholat dan baca Surat Yasin, ternyata ada misscall dari Ibuk yang lagi nemenin Mamah di ICU. Perasaan gue udah gak karuan ketika gue mutusin buat nelpon balik nomer Ibuk. And then I heard the most painful sentence I've ever heard. 

"Adek gak ada"

I was still in denial. "Masa? Serius?"

Dan ketika Ibuk jawab 'iya', I broke down crying. Gue sendirian di kamar dan nangis sejadi-jadinya. Sampe gue langsung nelpon sahabat gue yang ada di Salatiga buat nenangin diri. Sayangnya, that phone call was useless. I cried so hard that day until I couldn't feel a thing anymore. It was unfair. She was the most selfless person I've ever met in my entire life and there was no way she deserved any of this. My heart shattered into million pieces. My baby cousin. It hurts so much just to think about it. 

Who would've known this bundle of joy would be gone so quickly?

I couldn't help but kept thinking that it should be me. It should be me who suffered those diseases, not her. Uci bahkan belum berumur 17 tahun dan Allah udah manggil dia dulu. Gue inget betapa excitednya Uci untuk dapet KTP dan SIM besok Desember. And now I only got memories of her being giddy about her 17th birthday.

Insha Allah, gue ikhlas. I mean, at least Uci udah gak kesakitan lagi sekarang. Writing this post was really hard because I kept crying. Ketika gue lagi main sama temen-temen atau lagi kumpul sama keluarga, rasanya gampang banget untuk gak ngerasa 'kosong'. But then these feelings hit me in the most unpredictable times. Waktu di mobil, di kamar mandi, di kamar gue sendiri. Gue lebih sering nangis di saat-saat gue sendiri, jauh dari orang-orang.

The worst thing is that I'm not sure if these feelings will disappear.

Uschi, Mbak Dina kangen denger ketawa Uschi. Kangen nonton Running Man bareng Uschi. Kangen ngipasin Uschi. Mbak kangen liat Uschi yang gak pernah bisa diem.

Yang tenang ya, dek. Temenin Dek Sekar di atas sana. Kita semua selalu berdoa dari sini.

Kisses

Dee

Turning Point

My life is crazy at the moment. Classes - work - assignments. It's been going on for four months and I'm so ready to rip my head off. But it's all good. I promise you, it's good.

For those who've been reading this blog for a while, you know how I struggled with insecurities. It was so easy to be overwhelmed by silly things. I also wasn't satisfied with what I had which made me an easy target for bullies.

Looking at it now makes me realise just how much I've changed over the years. That girl who cried over a stupid name-calling has gone. Maybe a little part of her is still here but she's much stronger. I am stronger.

I still cry, of course, but not as often as I used to. Chances are I cry when I'm on my period. I've come a long way to be where I am and you have no idea how happy it makes me feel. People don't scare me anymore. I don't hold on to difficult things or people. Instead, I've learnt to let people go from my life.

It's a big deal for me who worries about what people think of me. They aren't responsible for my happiness, I am. This is why I don't listen to what people say about me anymore. Words are just words until I let them be sharp and stab me.

I think my turning point in life happened last year. Honestly, I learned so much from last year and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Believe it or not, I was so naive and thought that everyone could be a better person if I helped them be. Looking back at it, I kinda want to laugh because of how foolish I was.

I learned that not everyone is meant to stay in our life. They may stop for a while but then they'll leave. This kind of people is like a hurricane which comes so suddenly and destroys everything in its sight.  A hurricane doesn't know the mess left behind, much like those who leave our life after giving us empty promises. The old 'me' would be upset --no , scratch that, I would be devastated even. However, the new 'me' will only be sad for a couple of days before finally having fun with my friends again.

How so? 

I think it can happen because I feel grateful for having so many amazing things to begin with. I have an imperfect family who definitely have my back. I also have best friends who are incredibly amazing. And most importantly, I have myself. I like who I am without pretending to be someone else. This is the biggest achievement I've ever gotten so far in this life.

Your turning point in life maybe not occurred yet but believe when I say this, it will happen. It's just a matter of time. So, don't get too cocky if you feel your life is too good to be true. We don't know what God has planned for us, do we?



Kisses
Dee 

At The Moment

Can I just start this post with telling all of you how lucky and blessed I am to live healthily and happily at the same time? Yeah, well, I am.

My life is crazy at this moment. I thought my schedule would be less hectic but dang, I was so wrong. I have classes from Monday to Thursday but also on Saturday. As for my job, I have tutoring appointments every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. My only day off is Sunday which I use to tidy up my room.

There are so many times I want to scream and just stop everything. I want to stop working as a tutor and then stop going to my classes in uni so I can get some well-deserved sleep. But then I remember that I actually enjoy tutoring those kids and I need education for my future.

I can't tell you how good I feel when I can buy things on my own, or when I get good grades on my finals. The satisfaction I feel is indescribable.

To sum up things, my life is so freakishly crazy at the moment but I still enjoy it. Well, or maybe I try to enjoy it with my own way. Some of my decisions are shit but I don't want to make any excuses for them. Shit or not, those are the decisions I've made and I have to be responsible.

It's midnight and I'm sleepy also tired after a day full of work. I'll see you on the next post.


Kisses,
Dee

Life = Moccachino

I haven’t written anything for a while and I’ve realized that is the shitty thing to do because I always love writing. Especially writing about my random thoughts. It just easier to write everything down than bottle it up.

And today’s topic is coffee.

I never really liked coffee. Back when I was in school, coffee was my biggest enemy. It caused insomnia (due to the caffeine). But then, I love coffee. Maybe not the black ones because eww! Gross. I just don’t like them, okay? Don’t judge me. I prefer moccachino all the waaaaaay.

To make a glass of moccachino, I usually add 2 tsp of coffee to 3/4 glass of water. I also add one and half teaspoon of sugar. Boil them together (so the coffee won’t hurt your stomach because it will be cooked after its done) for about 3 minutes. Pour them into your glass then add chocolate milk into it (or chocolate powder, depends on your taste). Stir your coffee for a bit and let it cool down a little bit by adding a normal-heat water.

But even though we added sugar and chocolate into this drink, it doesn’t make the bitter taste go away. You can still taste the bitter of the coffee, just not as much as black coffee.

To think of it, drinking my favorite coffee is like living your life. Moccachino tastes sweet, even sweeter than black coffee because we add chocolate into it. But we can’t get rid of the bitter taste because it still coffee, you know?

Just like your life.

You are allowed to be happy and living your life to the fullest. But you can’t just get rid of sadness. There will be time when you get upset over something silly or crying over some stupid reasons. That is the essential of life. You gotta deal with it.

Cheers,

Dina

A sky full of stars

Oh, hellooooooo!

Sorry I've been MIA (Missing In Action) for a month but to my defense, I was really busy with a lot of activities and then I was sick for about a week. Sick, like.. really sick. I was hospitalized for 3 days and I had to take medicines for the next 5 days. I couldn't do anything. I could barely walk and eat properly. So yeah, it felt a lot like I was grounded because I couldn't touch my laptop, only my phone.

But other than that, you could say I'm healthy now. I would like to hug and kiss my parents, especially my mom because they were there when I needed them the most.

New semester! I'm officially a senior now. And to think a year could go that fast... such a mindblowing (I still remember perfectly I was a freshman last year, a junior). I'm including to those who have to make this kind of "welcoming celebration". Not exactly a celebration, we call it "Ospek" here in Indonesia but whatever. But for the reminder, it makes me extremely busy.

Alright, enough with the catch-up. What I'm gonna write today is more likely far from what I wrote above.

Let's talk about "balanced life".

 Maybe for some of us, we may think "balanced? my life is full of happiness!" or maybe "I don't think balanced life is exists since my life is stuck in misery and such". And to be brutally honest, I've been in both position. I felt like the world is too cruel to me but then I felt like God has blessed me in so many ways and so I'm happy.

But to think again, life is basically balanced. Just like the world has made of. There are poor people and rich people. Sick and healthy life. As for life, it's like 50% of our lives are filled with happiness meanwhile the other 50% are filled with sadness, the misery. For the result, there are days when we just happy but there are also days when we just want to cry our hearts out (or is it just me?)



I also discovered that there is a big possibility that this-balanced-life happen in just a day. For the example, there was a little boy who just had a new toy. He was over the moon because his daddy rarely gives him a new toy, useless, as he would say. But when the night came, him and his parents were forced to move out from their house because as it turned out, his daddy hadn't paid the rent for 2 months. The little boy was crying so hard because it was really cold outside and they had no house to stay.

See what I mean?

It's not like we can choose it. God has planned it all, the best plan for us humans. Maybe we don't know yet why but someday, we will. I believe that know.


Sure it's not easy to have this kind of balanced life. All we want is just to be happy but again, what's the meaning of life if you never make a mistake? Life is a scary and mysterious thing. But no matter how scary it is, how miserable we are, we will find a way to make things better, to be happy again just like we want to.

I can't say I'm 100% happy about the half percentage of misery in my life but no matter what happens, I'm still living in it. And that is my fate, so I just gonna find a way to make my misery days a little bit better. Blogging for example, it's one of my escape when things around me get too much. I can write whatever I want (as long as it doesn't offend someone) just to make my sadness go away even it just a bit.

I'm not the world's best at giving advice but most of my friends say that some of my advices had helped them through the hard time. To be honest, I also think my bestfriends also the reason why I can accept the fact that I can't be 100% happy. So what if I have bad days? They've got my back and I've got theirs.

A friend of mine said this once :

"Smile. Somebody could be falling in love with your smile."

Smile, sunshine. Because as in one of Coldplay's song, a sky is full of stars. One of them is maybe you. And you will go lighter in the dark.



Cheers,


Dina

Saat hujan

Aku benci hujan.

Jalanan seakan menjadi tambah macet setiap kali langit menangis. Orang - orang yang sudah bisa dipastikan terlambat karena terjebak macet akan menjadi emosional. Sebagai pengguna motor, aku acapkali menjadi target amarah para pengemudi mobil yang tidak bisa menggerakkan kendaraan mereka.

Membuat motor kesayanganku kotor oleh lumpur yang ada di jalanan. Padahal aku baru saja mencucinya hingga bersih mengkilap. Hujan juga menyebabkan cucianku menjadi susah kering padahal tumpukan pakaian bersih di lemariku sudah menipis. Dan lagi, hujan mengingatkanku pada perpisahanku denganmu di cafe tempat kita biasa hangout.

I hate rain.

It reminds me of you. Your gorgeous smile when you finally find your favorite smell.Or your grumpiness when your day starts with raining outside. The way your face lit up when I offer you a hot coffee from our favorite cafe. I hate rain so much because the momories keep floating back and it hurts me. No one could stop it, not even my self.

Mereka selalu menyanjungmu. Mengatakan bahwa kamu itu lelaki sempurna. Kita yang seiman, our relationship which was consist of a lot of banters. Orang - orang sering salah mengartikan kamu, termasuk aku. Mereka bilang kita meant for each other. Dan bodohnya, aku sempat percaya pada kalimat itu. Aku sempat percaya pada semua tipu dayamu!

Namun aku juga suka hujan.

Aroma tanah kering yang dibasahi air langit yang begitu khas dan menggoda, tidak pernah gagal membuatku tersenyum di kala hujan turun di siang hari. The gloomy feeling we get everytime it rains outside. Aku juga suka hari - hari hujan dimana ibu memperbolehkanku bermalas - malasan seharian. Semua terasa tenang, damai, no rush. Hebat, bukan?

Aku suka melihat tanaman - tanaman di pekarangan rumah menjadi basah setelah hujan turun. Mereka tampak segar, semakin cantik. It brings happiness to some people. Hujan yang merupakan rahmat Tuhan juga menjadi saksi bisu awal perjumpaanku denganmu.

I love rain.

I remember the first time we met at the bus stop. It was raining and I was running wildly from my campus while you were waiting for a bus. The rain didn't stop, even after I waited for 20 minutes. It was just my luck that I didn't bring my jacket with me meanwhile the weather was really cold. Then you asked me if I wanted to wear your jacket since you thought I need it more. To be honest, I was scared if you were just trying to fool me, so I said no to you. But you just smiled and said, "I'm not gonna rob you or anything. You can relax and take my jacket. I don't exactly need it, but you?"

Kita berbincang panjang lebar di angkringan yang letaknya tepat di sebelah halte. Kamu yang merupakan mahasiswa komunikasi semester 6 ternyata jauh dari apa yang aku bayangkan. I remember your signature smirk when I told you about my thought -a rapist. Waktu itu, kamu yang hanya tertawa membuatku malu setengah mati namun sekarang, hal konyol itu bisa membuatku tersenyum ketika aku mengenangnya. Hujan dan kamu terkadang bisa menjadi sahabat, namun ada kalanya kalian benar - benar menjadi musuh.

Setiap orang memiliki kenangannya terhadap hujan. Bahagia, haru, sedih, senang, cemas, apapun yang mereka rasakan. Aku yakin salah satu momen terpenting dalam hidup mereka pasti dihiasi tetesan - tetesan air dari langit gelap di atas sana. Meski pun tidak banyak yang akan mengakui hal tersebut, I suppose. 

Banyak kenangan membanjiri pikiran kita di saat hujan turun. Aku mungkin tidak selalu menyukai ingatan - ingatan itu. They are kind of annoying for me. Tapi aku tidak pernah sekali pun menyesali kisah kita. Maybe I'll cry someday, thinking why can't I get over you even after you've hurt me. Namun untuk saat ini, aku masih menikmati kenangan - kenangan kita yang tidak pernah berhenti mengalir di otakku di saat hujan.

Tuntang, 16 Agustus 2014

For everyone who loves the rain as much as they hate it.

P.s: this is just a fiction.

But some statements are true, 

according to my experience.

Hey "Life"!

Holla!

I know it's been quiet long time since my last post but I promise you guys, I will be posting my new story very soon. So please, bear with me!

Today I'd like to talk about "Life".

Common topic, really. Why I choose this one? Well, last night I was on my Ask.fm page and some anon asked me an unique question; what is the definition of "Life"?

So, this was my answer (please keep in mind that I don't really like giving long-rambling kind of answer):
Life is an endless labyrinth, unexpected journey. you never know when you gonna meet the end. sure, everyone wants to escape this "labyrinth" but in the end of the day, you can't. just enjoy it.

And in here I'd like to explain it more. For you whom already read my post Looking For Alaska, this post will related a lot to that post, so I really hope you guys gonna understand this post.

Why am I calling "Life" as a labyrinth?

Because you never know what this life has in store for you. You don't know your future. All you can do is just living it day by day, memorize every beautiful and heart-breaking moments in your life. That's exactly like labyrinth. When you get stuck in labyrinth, you have to find your way out. Of course it's not easy. Who the hell says life is easy?

You know, sometimes when we think we are so close to get out from the labyrinth that only means we actually far from it. Mind blowing, really. My suggestion is that, keep your focus but have some fun. You can't be always-serious type of person. I mean, come on, being serious is okay, we all need it sometimes but too serious? Ain't got time for have fun!

So well, that's all, I guess. I'm starving now, gotta go. See ya soon!


Cheers,
Dina