Being Fake

 I've been clean from harming myself for 6 years now. But lately, things are getting too loud in my head. All I wanna do is lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't do that, can I? I can't talk about this to my mother either; she will scold me or tell me to pray more. I'm crying while writing this post. Is it wrong to fake my emotions?

Since being admitted to a mental hospital last May, I feel like I can't think straight. All I wanna do is die. My thoughts are not about self-harm again. Suicidal thoughts are running wildly on my mind and I can't do anything to stop it. Sure, I have my medications from my psychiatrist, but it doesn't lessen my urge to run to the middle of the road just to get run over by a truck.

Everything hurts. Not physically, of course. My mind keeps telling me just how unworthy I actually am. I don't deserve to be loved, that's why men always left me hanging. Let's be honest, yeah? Who would like to be seen with an obese woman like me? I'm sure most men would rather choose women who are skinny and more beautiful. My self-esteem is so low to the point, I can't look in the mirror without judging my face or my body.

Isn't it painful to see others happy? Fortunately, no. I'm used to seeing it. Sure, it makes me jealous sometimes, but that's it. Other than feeling pain in my mind and chest, I become numb. So, faking my happiness is the only solution I have. I've been bottling up my emotions again. I also try to be happy for my mum's sake but to no avail. I end up faking everything now.

You are graduating? Yay! Congrats! I'm happy for you. (I am happy for you so I don't wanna bother you by telling all my problems to you).

You get promoted at work? Wow, congrats! I knew you could do it. (I'm happy you are getting that promotion you deserve so you should celebrate it, I don't want your party to become a pity party if I come).

You are getting married? Yay! That's awesome! (I'm truly happy to hear the news so I don't want to drag the mood down by telling my stories).

Yes, I've been faking my emotions for a long time now. 

Turning Point

My life is crazy at the moment. Classes - work - assignments. It's been going on for four months and I'm so ready to rip my head off. But it's all good. I promise you, it's good.

For those who've been reading this blog for a while, you know how I struggled with insecurities. It was so easy to be overwhelmed by silly things. I also wasn't satisfied with what I had which made me an easy target for bullies.

Looking at it now makes me realise just how much I've changed over the years. That girl who cried over a stupid name-calling has gone. Maybe a little part of her is still here but she's much stronger. I am stronger.

I still cry, of course, but not as often as I used to. Chances are I cry when I'm on my period. I've come a long way to be where I am and you have no idea how happy it makes me feel. People don't scare me anymore. I don't hold on to difficult things or people. Instead, I've learnt to let people go from my life.

It's a big deal for me who worries about what people think of me. They aren't responsible for my happiness, I am. This is why I don't listen to what people say about me anymore. Words are just words until I let them be sharp and stab me.

I think my turning point in life happened last year. Honestly, I learned so much from last year and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Believe it or not, I was so naive and thought that everyone could be a better person if I helped them be. Looking back at it, I kinda want to laugh because of how foolish I was.

I learned that not everyone is meant to stay in our life. They may stop for a while but then they'll leave. This kind of people is like a hurricane which comes so suddenly and destroys everything in its sight.  A hurricane doesn't know the mess left behind, much like those who leave our life after giving us empty promises. The old 'me' would be upset --no , scratch that, I would be devastated even. However, the new 'me' will only be sad for a couple of days before finally having fun with my friends again.

How so? 

I think it can happen because I feel grateful for having so many amazing things to begin with. I have an imperfect family who definitely have my back. I also have best friends who are incredibly amazing. And most importantly, I have myself. I like who I am without pretending to be someone else. This is the biggest achievement I've ever gotten so far in this life.

Your turning point in life maybe not occurred yet but believe when I say this, it will happen. It's just a matter of time. So, don't get too cocky if you feel your life is too good to be true. We don't know what God has planned for us, do we?



Kisses
Dee 

Drowning

Did you ever feel like drowning? Like, you felt you were sinkin’ in?

I mean, that time when you realize that you’re no longer the same person you used to be and you were like, “okay, this is the new me”. Have you ever felt that way?

Because I have.

Gue itu tipe orang yang terlalu gampang maafin orang. Terlalu gampang ‘luluh’ sama permintaan maaf mereka. Kenapa? I really don’t know. Mungkin karena menurut gue memaafkan itu lebih gampang daripada terus marah *shrugs*. Tapi gara – gara sifat gue itu juga gue jadi sering dimanfaatin. People would offend me and then apologize to me just because they know I’ll forgive them. Emang nggak selalu langsung gue maafin, kadang gue diemin mereka beberapa hari dulu baru gue bisa maafin.

What I was thinking since this afternoon is that how people can stay mad at someone?

Like, seriously. How do they do that? Gue udah berkali – kali nyoba buat tetep marah tapi ujung – ujungnya selalu sama, gue maafin mereka. It just so frustrating sometime, you know? I really want to stay mad at people but I just simply can’t and I have no idea why. How do you guys mad at someone forever? I’m still processing all these kind of things.

Dan juga, did you ever realize how many flaws you have nside of your body (and mind)?

I’m imperfect. I’m not a perfect daughter that my family always wants me to be. Like, I’m fat and I have dark skin and ugly. So many flaws that I have ever since I was born and I just feel like my flaws has been increasing as I grow up. Sometimes I just lay on my bed, hugging my doll and think randomly. Sure, my life is not perfect, just like my self, but then I believe there’s no such thing as perfect.

Yang lucu adalah ketika lingkungan kita memaksa kita untuk jadi sempurna. Mereka bilang lo terlalu gendut, terlalu kurus, bodoh, pendek, tinggi, even they say you’re an idiot. Dan gue yakin banget inilah kenapa semakin banyak kasus bullying di dunia ini. Society will never get enough of you. Komunitas kita selalu mengingatkan kita buat jadi diri kita sendiri, but the question is; why do they tell us to be ourselves if they just gonna judge us afterwards? Gila. Gue nggak akan pernah paham sama cara berpikir masyarakat yang sukanya menghakimi orang seenak udel mereka.

I’m drowning.

I don’t even know why. Gue seakan tenggelam dalam pikiran – pikiran gue sendiri. Tenggelam tanpa ada orang yang sadar kalo gue hilang. Then I ask my self; is this what depression feels like? Many people ask, “are you okay?” as if it were an easy question to answer. Tapi gue selalu bilang kalo gue baik – baik aja. Mereka nggak perlu khawatir tentang gue. Who am I anyway? Gue cuma seorang cewek annoying dan awkward yang nggak bisa diem.

They said they care about me.

Tapi nggak ada yang sadar kalo gue tenggelam. No one really knows ‘me’. Of course I’m smiling almost  all the time, that’s what people expected me to do. They know me as a cheerful person, someone who they can laugh at. Seseorang yang selalu bisa mereka olok – olok (dan selalu gue maafin). Nggak ada yang tau how hard to see everyone breathes and just feel my self drowning.

Gue masih belajar buat nerima diri gue yang sebenernya. Dina yang terlalu-gampang-maafin-orang, yang mungkin terlalu bodoh buat ngerti cara kerja society, yang sering kelihatan sok tangguh padahal aslinya cengeng abis. It’s not easy, apalagi ditambah orang – orang di sekitar gue tentang betapa banyak kekurangan yang ada di diri gue.

I self-harmed my self back when I was in high school. And it went on and on everytime things got too much for my liking. Things that overwhelmed me. I would grab a razor and went to the bathroom after I made sure people went to bed. I cut instead of telling my bestfriends or my family. It just felt easier for me. Although it’s almost a year since I clean, sometimes I just really want to do that, you know? It makes me feel better and calm me down when no one else can.

I’m sorry, I probably boring you with my writing.

Cheers,

Dina

Shhh, keep it silent!

Guten Tag!!!

I’m on my way to say more than a ‘hello’ in German. Yessszzzzuuhhh!

How are you guys doing today? I really hope you guys doing okay because I am. Anyway, sorry for not posting any writings before this. I mean, I did try but then the idea was gone and those pending posts are ended up in my draft. So well, sorry, told ya I’m really suck to stick to one idea.

Alright, so uhm, I moved on from that guy (let’s not talk about that). And it was good to finally say good bye after several debate I was having with my self. I feel free, somehow.

Right at this moment, I’m kind of falling for my bestfriend. Holy fudge, this is happening again for God’s sake. But looking back to where we first met until now –it’s not love at the first sight, we actually really close. Sure, our friendship mostly about us insulting each other, threaten each other, and of course laughing together. And it was a lot of laughing, let me tell you. He always treats me differently from the others. Like, he gave me some hints.. I’m not so sure. I don’t want to assume anything that will lead me to hope more. It just.. a lot to take in, I guess.

He is such a funny guy. He doesn’t take anything too serious and just make sure to have fun with his decisions. For someone who’s old enough to make his own decision, he’s sure one of those who prefer to be chill-type of guy. Seriously, I can spend all day just to tell you how unique he really is. But I’ll make my self clear here, I won’t mention any name, so let just say, you guys know him :)

I’ve learned so many things with my previous relationships. One thing that I’m sure; I have to keep it on a down low. That means not many people know about my feeling. Why is that? I don’t know. Some people in my life who constantly showed off their relationships often end up with a goodbye, a break up.

However, this is difficult. I mean, hiding my own feeling in front of a guy I often meet? That’s a bit harder than the last time I was in the same situation .. or maybe it’s a lot harder. I just want to shout, y’know? Tell him how crazy I’d be without him by my side. Tell him that I could be a good girlfriend.

But I can’t. Women can’t just say “hey, I love you, let’s dating?” to men. I don’t want to people look at me and say, “oh hey, look! That’s a girl who just asked a guy out last week. Slut, huh?” right in front of my face. That’d be so embarrassing, don’t you think? Also, let just imagine for a moment that I really tell him about my feeling but he doesn’t feel the same.

Awkward alert.

So, this time, I didn’t tell too many people. That’s first. I also trying my best to act normal infront of him so he won’t suspect anything (even I’m dying to get him notice me).

How about you guys? Have you ever had feeling for your bestfriends? How did you deal with it? Tell them with a risk there’ll be an awkward situation? … or you just keep your mouth shut but you know there’ll be pain in your chest?

Cheers,

Dina

Trouble

Good morning, my dearest readers!
I really wanted to write a long post, tell you how this week passed. But it seems like God has other plan.

I just lost my laptop's charger, in my campus' mosque. That sounds crazy, isn't it? I don't know, I just felt disappointed. But I was lucky than my senior who lost his laptop.

And because of that, my post will be shorter. I was currently writing from my phone. Sure, I still can write a long one but it won't be that good. Also, it's much easier to write on my laptop.

So, yeah, that's kind of being my big trouble right now.

Yellow line

I was just listening to Lego House by Ed Sheeran, so excuse any cheesiness in this post.

Where should I start? Oh right, last post.

I spent like two damn hours to wrote that. And fyi, that was probably a long time since I never wrote something that short before (a few, maybe, but I didn't really think when I wrote them). I felt like I needed to do something to prevent me from doing something stupid.

Kenapa judulnya frasa aneh kayak gitu? (Why did you give such a weird phrase to be a title?)

First of all, because I think the phrase fits more than any sentence I could make. Yellow light means 'steady' or be careful in traffic. In my case, yellow light means I have to be careful. Careful to not fall too deep (again) for this particular guy. As much as I love to admit how cute he is, there is no way I'd just fall like that (he made me fall, kind of..), I'm too scared.

With all shit going on in my life right now, I don't think fall for someone would do me any good. Worse, it feels like I could be crazier person if I did. Yeah sure he is good, he is kind, and I started to think he really cares about me. But I just..... I don't know, I guess there's something about him, something that only him could have. Something that makes me weak everytime he speaks, or laughs.

Second, and last, yellow light probably just a simple phrase for normal people when actually that's a huge deal for me. Buat orang aneh kayak gue, nggak banyak cowok yang bener-bener deket sama gue, cowok yang tau siapa gue (for a freak like me, there's not many man who close with me, man who knows me, personally). I might fall to wrong men too many times before finally realized; not all men could fit with my personality. He should be a clarity to my insanity (that's sooooo cheesy!).

What the hell am I doing? It's six o'clock in the morning and instead of doing something to help my aunt, I'm writing this. Damn me. Damn my crazy antics.

Good morning to all of you, lovely people :)

Oh! Today is my friend's birthday! BEN, if you read this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Gila aja, dulu kita sering godain satu sama lain, sempet berencana bikin band gila bareng Dyas sama Gita, eh sekarang nih anak udah mau jadi tentara aja (that's crazy because we used to tease each other, one time we were planning making a new-but-crazy band with Dyas and Gita, and now you're on the way to be a soldier). May good things come to you, my dear friend. Good luck in army, I wish all the best for you :)

I think that's all I have from now.

Bye now from me,

Dina

How could you judging someone you don't know?

Hello! What's up??
I supposed to be studying but I think I really have to get this thoughts off of my head. It disturbs me everytime I try to study ughhh..

I just thinking, how could people judging on other people without knowing them first? Like they're judging in front of their computers, behind those screen, saying bad things about someone through the internet. Do you think it's good?

Well, in my opinion it's not and never good. I made a video to stop people hating on Niall Horan and well I surprised with the amount people watching it. Not everyone saying good things tho, there are several people who commented he's ugly and stuff. Even one saying that I'm as an editor of that video, retarded.

I was like, wow. Really, though I always be a brat in school I never say that to the other. No matter how bad they hurted me, I would definitely never say that. Let just think for a moment; shall we?

When you judging someone because her/his body, think again...
You clearly have NO IDEA how bad she/he wants to lose her/his weight. I'm fat yeah, and it's hurts a lot when people calling me that.. they didn't know what I do to lose my weight.

When you judging someone because you are smarter than him/her, think again...
You won't be called SMART if they are smart. You can be smart because there are people who can't be smart enough. You are nothing beside smart people.

When you judging someone; calling them bitch, think again...
Do you know she pays everything with her own money? Do you know if her dad left her and her mum was ill? Do you know that her little brothers crying almost everyday because they are in hunger?
You don't know, do you? It's much better if you shut the hell up.

When you judging someone because they didn't have their first kiss yet, think again...
Do you know they were suffering from their childhood nightmare? Watching their parents fighting everyday make them scared, they scared to trust people, to start a relationship.

You don't know ANYTHING about them. You don't even know their full names yet you still judging them. It's pathetic, really. Don't you have important thing to do? Or maybe you don't have a life so you spend your days to judging people?

Attention seeker. Pshhh, pathetic much, rite?

Cheers,
Dina

Kamu

Galauan gue waktu gak bisa move on. Maafin yak kalo kalian jadi mellow juga abis baca ini fufufu *holdasmirk*

Hey, apa kabar?

Aku tahu kamu baik-baik saja disana. Kamu sedang menikmati hidup, menghabiskan masa remajamu untuk bersenang-senang dengan sahabat barumu.
Maaf, aku terlalu bodoh. Aku bodoh karena tidak bisa melupakan kamu, kita. Maaf, kamu terlalu baik untukku.

'Kita' tidak akan pernah kembali lagi, bukan? Kamu dan duniamu, aku dan duniaku. Kita bahkan mungkin memiliki opini tersendiri tentang 'kita'. Aku selalu merasa akulah yang tepat untukmu. Terdengar egois memang, aku mengakuinya, tetapi bagaimana pun juga aku tetap merasa begitu atau lebih tepatnya, aku masih merasa begitu. Namun kurasa, kita tidak pernah sejalan. Di saat aku mati-matian merindukanmu di sini, kamu sedang tertawa di sana. Sakitkah aku?

Tahukah kamu berapa waktu yang kuhabiskan untuk menangisimu? Tahukah kamu berapa banyak air mata yang telah kuteteskan untukmu? Jika ada seseorang bilang hidup itu 'fair enough', aku akan tersenyum dan berkata, "Hidup tidak selalu adil. Nanti akan ada saatnya dimana kamu merasa hidup sangat amat tidak adil. Tidak sekarang memang, tapi saat itu akan datang."

Kamu, sebuah kata sederhana yang tak pernah lepas dari teka-teki. Ratusan atau bahkan ribuan pertanyaan tentang kamu selalu saja datang setiap harinya. Sakit memang, memikirkan orang yang bahkan tidak pernah sekali pun memikirkan kita. Tapi mau bagaimana? Namamu seakan sudah tercetak secara permanen di bagian tubuhku. Bisa hilang namun pasti membekas.

Kadang aku berpikir, andai saja aku lebih kurus, apakah kamu akan tetap menyukaiku?

Aku benci situasi kita sekarang. Benci sekali. Kita yang dulu sering ngirim SMS gak penting "tapi lagunya si A itu jeleeeekk, bagus punya B kemana-mana lah!", kita yang sering ngatain 'kebo' ke satu sama lain. Kita yang sering SMS an sampe malem "good night and have a nice dream :)". Kemana semua kesenangan itu hilang? Aku merindukan masa-masa bodohku bersamamu. Polos, gila, tapi asyik, itulah kita beberapa tahun yang lalu.

Sekarang?

We don't even talk that much.
Sadarkah kamu bahwa kalimat 'aku kangen kamu' aku katakan hampir setiap hari? Gila memang. Iya gila, gila karena aku kangen kamu, aku kangen 'kita'.