Drowning

Did you ever feel like drowning? Like, you felt you were sinkin’ in?

I mean, that time when you realize that you’re no longer the same person you used to be and you were like, “okay, this is the new me”. Have you ever felt that way?

Because I have.

Gue itu tipe orang yang terlalu gampang maafin orang. Terlalu gampang ‘luluh’ sama permintaan maaf mereka. Kenapa? I really don’t know. Mungkin karena menurut gue memaafkan itu lebih gampang daripada terus marah *shrugs*. Tapi gara – gara sifat gue itu juga gue jadi sering dimanfaatin. People would offend me and then apologize to me just because they know I’ll forgive them. Emang nggak selalu langsung gue maafin, kadang gue diemin mereka beberapa hari dulu baru gue bisa maafin.

What I was thinking since this afternoon is that how people can stay mad at someone?

Like, seriously. How do they do that? Gue udah berkali – kali nyoba buat tetep marah tapi ujung – ujungnya selalu sama, gue maafin mereka. It just so frustrating sometime, you know? I really want to stay mad at people but I just simply can’t and I have no idea why. How do you guys mad at someone forever? I’m still processing all these kind of things.

Dan juga, did you ever realize how many flaws you have nside of your body (and mind)?

I’m imperfect. I’m not a perfect daughter that my family always wants me to be. Like, I’m fat and I have dark skin and ugly. So many flaws that I have ever since I was born and I just feel like my flaws has been increasing as I grow up. Sometimes I just lay on my bed, hugging my doll and think randomly. Sure, my life is not perfect, just like my self, but then I believe there’s no such thing as perfect.

Yang lucu adalah ketika lingkungan kita memaksa kita untuk jadi sempurna. Mereka bilang lo terlalu gendut, terlalu kurus, bodoh, pendek, tinggi, even they say you’re an idiot. Dan gue yakin banget inilah kenapa semakin banyak kasus bullying di dunia ini. Society will never get enough of you. Komunitas kita selalu mengingatkan kita buat jadi diri kita sendiri, but the question is; why do they tell us to be ourselves if they just gonna judge us afterwards? Gila. Gue nggak akan pernah paham sama cara berpikir masyarakat yang sukanya menghakimi orang seenak udel mereka.

I’m drowning.

I don’t even know why. Gue seakan tenggelam dalam pikiran – pikiran gue sendiri. Tenggelam tanpa ada orang yang sadar kalo gue hilang. Then I ask my self; is this what depression feels like? Many people ask, “are you okay?” as if it were an easy question to answer. Tapi gue selalu bilang kalo gue baik – baik aja. Mereka nggak perlu khawatir tentang gue. Who am I anyway? Gue cuma seorang cewek annoying dan awkward yang nggak bisa diem.

They said they care about me.

Tapi nggak ada yang sadar kalo gue tenggelam. No one really knows ‘me’. Of course I’m smiling almost  all the time, that’s what people expected me to do. They know me as a cheerful person, someone who they can laugh at. Seseorang yang selalu bisa mereka olok – olok (dan selalu gue maafin). Nggak ada yang tau how hard to see everyone breathes and just feel my self drowning.

Gue masih belajar buat nerima diri gue yang sebenernya. Dina yang terlalu-gampang-maafin-orang, yang mungkin terlalu bodoh buat ngerti cara kerja society, yang sering kelihatan sok tangguh padahal aslinya cengeng abis. It’s not easy, apalagi ditambah orang – orang di sekitar gue tentang betapa banyak kekurangan yang ada di diri gue.

I self-harmed my self back when I was in high school. And it went on and on everytime things got too much for my liking. Things that overwhelmed me. I would grab a razor and went to the bathroom after I made sure people went to bed. I cut instead of telling my bestfriends or my family. It just felt easier for me. Although it’s almost a year since I clean, sometimes I just really want to do that, you know? It makes me feel better and calm me down when no one else can.

I’m sorry, I probably boring you with my writing.

Cheers,

Dina