Open up

"I'm losing myself
Trying to compete
With everyone else
Instead of just being me
Don't know where to turn
I've been stuck in this routine
I need to change my ways
Instead of always being weak"

Did you ever heard "meltdown"?

According to Urban Dictionary, the word meltdown describes what happens when a person freaks out, cracks, loses control of themselves. Life - reality at large- becomes overwhelming. They just can't deal with it all. The person may act out, withdraw, become emotional, run, etc... 

As for me, I'd like to call meltdown as the lowest point at someone's life. Everyone has their lowest point which some of it turned into their turning point in their life. Whether they turned into someone better or worse.. that's their choice. I constantly having these meltdowns. I don't know why though, I just do. Like, when I'm alone in the room and having flashback from that time when people kept saying bad things about me. 

"I don't wanna be afraid
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful..today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways
So you see, I just wanna believe in me"

Maybe some of you will think, "why thinking about your past?" and honestly, I can't answer that. It just like nightmare, you know? No matter what I do to forget my past, those dark days, I just can't. They keep coming back, haunting me. And to be perfectly honest, I don't know how to stop it. I want them to stop, I want to stop having those meltdowns.

No matter what I felt, I used to say "I'm okay, fine. Don't worry about me". Even though I know I was not okay at all. I felt bad for lying to my bestfriends, of course, but it didn't change the fact that they have bigger problems. Like, they tell me their stories, sometimes asking me for advice, am I really gonna bother them with telling them about how insecure I am? I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculous.. even to an outcast like me. And also, I was so scared. How did I suppose to know that they won't judge me after I told them?

"The mirror can lie
Doesn't show you what's inside
And it, it can tell you you're full of life
It's amazing what you can hide
Just by putting on a smile"

Unfortunately, I still have to tell them. I mean, after they witnessed my meltdown stage yesterday.. I think they deserve at least some kind of explanation. And I did. I told them everything. Meltdown, these voices in my head telling me how worthless I am, how people calling me names, and self-harm. Yes, it is still a sore topic to talk about. I can't help but cry everytime they ask me what's wrong.

Their love for me is just makes me overwhelmed. There are so much love from them. They won't judge me because I'm fat, awkward, loud, annoying, nerd, etc (sometimes people will make fun of my weight but that's okay. As long as I'm happy and healthy, why should I care?). I feel so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. After all this time, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere but my world. But now I finally feel like I do belong here.

"I'm quickly finding out
I'm not about to break down
Not today
I guess I always knew
That I had all the strength to make it through"

I'm trying, fellas. I try to open up my self to my bestfriends. Telling them about my feeling is just a start. Hopefully, I'll be able to give them more. It's not that easy, let me tell you. I used to hide my feelings, turned them into words (on the internet or write them down on papers), and instead of telling people who actually really care about me, I chose to cut my wrist.

So, what I'm trying to say is if you get bullied in your past or even now, just believe that it does get better. Things will work out eventually. Maybe tomorrow, next day, next week, or even three or five years later, who knows? What you gotta do is stay strong. It is okay to have meltdown stage, everyone has it anyway. It's normal to be insecure but don't be too insecure. You are beautifully made and you are you. God makes no mistake, remember that. 

"Not gonna be afraid
I'm going to wake up feeling beautiful..today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways
So you see, now, now I believe in me
Now I believe in me"


Love yourself.


Cheers,

Dina