To Those Who May Concern

Hello, it's been so long since my last post here.

I was stuck in a deep hole and so confused about life for the past few weeks. I know some of you may think "all of us have problems too" and I'm not gonna deny that. But mine is a lot more complicated than that.

I've been feeling down for quite a while before finally I decided to start another #100happydays challenge on my Instagram. It's not daily post, because, well.. I can't have happy days without down days, can I? But I do post something when I feel my day has been okay.

Also, I finally came clean to my mom about my self-harming habit. I really thought she was gonna do something about it but instead, I got a long lecture how I should pray more and more just so I can get better. After that, I told her to just forget it. A few days later, I tried to get a recommendation letter from a general doctor to go to a psychiatrist and seek help to get rid all of these voices inside of my head. But what I got was a long lecture about how I'm not closer enough to Allah and blah blah, basically she said the same thing as my mom. And really, it's tiring to hear everything being connected to your religion. So, I told her I don't need it anymore and bury it deep.

Those who know me well must know that I've always tried to hide my true feelings and bottle up everything. So, when something blows up right in front of my face, it's easier to cry and not tell anyone else. I don't really want to be a burden for someone else, hence my hesitance of telling something as private as those.

My suicidal thoughts keep coming back and haunting my life as soon as I open my eyes. On my up days, these thoughts are so easy to slide aside. But when my down days come.... I literally thought about killing myself if it can make people around me be happy. I keep feeling like I'm a failure and deserves nothing but dead.

I try so hard to fight those demons. So hard that I easily tire myself out. But, do people know about my battle? No, they don't.

What they do know though, is that Dee is someone bright, cheerful, and always smiling even though she's awkward on so many occations. They don't know how hard it is to fake a smile throughout the day when all I wanna do is crawling up to bed to sleep and not be bothered by anyone for the whole day.

For now, though, I'm okay.

My life got messier ever since I graduated uni, including my own family. Thus, I really miss my uni years where I could laugh freely without any care in the whole world.

I've been clean for two months, too! This is a huge achievement and I'm proud of the fact that I keep surviving even though my world has just crumbled down right in front of my eyes.

Kisses,

Dee