I've been clean from harming myself for 6 years now. But lately, things are getting too loud in my head. All I wanna do is lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't do that, can I? I can't talk about this to my mother either; she will scold me or tell me to pray more. I'm crying while writing this post. Is it wrong to fake my emotions?
Since being admitted to a mental hospital last May, I feel like I can't think straight. All I wanna do is die. My thoughts are not about self-harm again. Suicidal thoughts are running wildly on my mind and I can't do anything to stop it. Sure, I have my medications from my psychiatrist, but it doesn't lessen my urge to run to the middle of the road just to get run over by a truck.
Everything hurts. Not physically, of course. My mind keeps telling me just how unworthy I actually am. I don't deserve to be loved, that's why men always left me hanging. Let's be honest, yeah? Who would like to be seen with an obese woman like me? I'm sure most men would rather choose women who are skinny and more beautiful. My self-esteem is so low to the point, I can't look in the mirror without judging my face or my body.
Isn't it painful to see others happy? Fortunately, no. I'm used to seeing it. Sure, it makes me jealous sometimes, but that's it. Other than feeling pain in my mind and chest, I become numb. So, faking my happiness is the only solution I have. I've been bottling up my emotions again. I also try to be happy for my mum's sake but to no avail. I end up faking everything now.
You are graduating? Yay! Congrats! I'm happy for you. (I am happy for you so I don't wanna bother you by telling all my problems to you).
You get promoted at work? Wow, congrats! I knew you could do it. (I'm happy you are getting that promotion you deserve so you should celebrate it, I don't want your party to become a pity party if I come).
You are getting married? Yay! That's awesome! (I'm truly happy to hear the news so I don't want to drag the mood down by telling my stories).
Yes, I've been faking my emotions for a long time now.
