Expectation(s)

Hi, believe it or not I have lots of notes that are waiting to be uploaded. Every time I start writing something, it always ends up in my draft folder. Sorry for being busy in the past couple of months..

After losing my cousin, I felt like nothing even mattered anymore. Crying has been one of the things I do often lately. My chest is heavy like all the time and I've run out creative ideas. I don't want the depression coming back into my life but right now, I feel like it's ghosting around me.. waiting to be greeted.

In my whole life, I always worry about stupid things. I worry about my grades, my family, my friends, my work, I even worry about how people look at me. Even though my mum says I shouldn't think too much about people's perception of me.

Too bad I can't control it.

People have always had high expectations when it comes to life.

I was often in the top ten in class while I was in school. From the first moment I got my A, my family expects me to get the best grades. My dad would be really angry if my grades are dropping even just a little bit. I know I should be grateful because that means he cares about my education but I can't help but thinking, what if I weren't as good as I am now?

I mean, I'm not a perfect human being but at least I still have a few skills I'm proud of having. Still.. sometimes I wonder what'll my family do if I were a different person.

Most people say that I'm friendly and easygoing. They told me over and over that I should be happy to have that kind of personality. What they don't know is that I am grateful. It just.. having that personality makes people have expectations about me.

People expect a girl like me should have more friends and cheerful all the damn time. But what sucks the most is that they expect me to be okay even after they hurt and used me. You have no idea how much energy I use to get over the fact that people aren't always good; they are bad people running around as well.

I'm not saying that expecting things is bad in general. I'm writing this post because I just think everyone should understand that knowing someone should make us not have various expectations about him/her. If they are good at one thing then what? What will happen is not our business, it's purely theirs.

I want to scream loudly just so people will stop expect things from me.

I'm literally crying and begging them to stop it because I'm tired.

I'm tired of fulfilling their expectations and being a punch bag when I fail. I'm tired living up to the high expectations of the others.

It's too early for this. I have to continue writing my undergrad thesis anyway. So, I will go for now.

Kisses

Dee