A couple of days ago, I asked my Instagram followers if they want me to write on here or not and the result was kind of shocking for me. 100% voted yes which means I have to write a new post here, so here I am, fulfilling my promise towards my dearest friends and followers on Instagram as well as writing about a serious matter; HONESTY.
It's been way too long since my last post. Life works in a weird way which eventually makes me take a couple steps back just to calm myself. Most of you who know me in real life must be aware of my condition and what's going on in my life.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was discharged from the hospital in January. And as it turned out, I have Mixed Anxiety and Severe Depression without Psychotic Symptoms. I've been going to the hospital to see my doctor once a month.
The first visit, I was anxious as hell and ended up crying for about an hour in her room. The second visit, I still cried. I also told her about my suicide plan. On my third visit, I told her that I've been writing a journal and although it was depressing, she asked me if she could read it. I gave her my journal and she took a few pictures of the content for further analysis. She didn't tell me about my religion albeit we have the same religion. Instead, she asked me to be honest.
On my very first encounter with her, I wasn't 100% honest and lied to her. I'd built a thick wall to make myself feel safer. Even though she already told me that I needed to be honest, I just couldn't see myself being honest with her. From my perspective, she was, after all, a stranger. I'd say that she knew I lied but she didn't call me out for it.
This fact alone makes me rethink if I made the right choice to lie to her. She then further explained that in order to get better, I need to be honest with myself first. Honesty is the key to my recovery. Not only being honest about my opinions but also being honest with my own emotions. Realizing that hiding my emotions was really an eye-opening moment for me. She proceeded to tell me that I am in fact getting better by each day and asked how did I manage to get better when in reality, nothing big really changed in my daily life.
That question forced me to think back to how it all started. I was suicidal, yes, sometimes I still am. But when I found out that my mom tried to hurt herself, it was unbearable. I thought to myself; what if I didn't make it to the hospital for her very last breath? Is this what my friends and family went through when I told them that I want to leave for good?
And after that realization dawned on me, I want to get better not for the sake of people's around me but for me and for my own sake. That honesty to myself was all I needed to make myself be a better person and not relapse until this very second.
"Okay Dee, we all get that you have mental illnesses but can you tell us the reason why you want to talk about honesty?"
My journey of mental health is not over just yet. Every day still feels like I'm about to go to a war with myself. I still have the urge to hurt myself too but I don't do it, do I? This is my honesty. Before seeing my doctor, I would deny admitting those things. Why? Because I felt like I would be perceived as a weak person if I admitted it.
With my current perspective, I know very well that being honest to myself about my own condition is the very first step to love myself. Being honest with myself has made me more open about my mental illnesses. I don't exactly know how but I can talk freely about mental health even with the elders.
Begin your own journey to happiness by being honest with yourself. Stop lying about your condition because society told you so. We're all responsible for own happiness and if we can't even be honest with ourselves about our own emotions and condition, how are we gonna make ourselves happy?
Kisses,
Dee
