Not so simple.

I don't know why I'm writing this, honestly.

Maybe I just need something. Something to hold on, something that will never laugh at me the way normal people do. Or maybe I write and wish, this shouldn't be happening. Not after some shit happen in the past few years. I just.. scared, I guess.

There's a guy who's having my heart for the third time we met. Yes, third. I won't tell his name, no. That's probably the last thing I'd do right at the time.

The first time we met.. it was orientation day (actually, he saw me first on pre-orientation day but I didn't notice him sit not far from me). We were in the same group (it was just me and two other friends from my faculty). The 1st day was.... pretty awkward. I didn't even know his name. But we finally knew each other names the next day.

I'm such an awkward person. I always shy for the first time meeting new people. Sounds silly, I know. It happens because meeting new people is actually not really my thing. It is out of my comfort zone. But at least I'm still trying.

Back to he-who's-currently-owns-my-heart.

Turned out, we actually get along really well. He is such a fun guy to talk to. He is cute, yes, I pretty much admit that one. But we didn't really talk or meet, after the orientation days. Realizing how far my faculty from his, I didn't wish he'd remember me the next time we meet.

But you can't get all your wishes granted, can you?

It was a week after the orientation day and someone (from same group as us) told me he loves me. We have different religions and yeah sure, he is kind but I just don't think we being together will work well. So, I rejected him (it was the hardest thing because I'm easily feel uncomfortable with people's feelings). The thing was I didn't really know how to, until I remembered him. He told me the safest way to told this guy which I did.

Then I went to his faculty (the university I got in has 2 campus, mine is located way far from the other) with my friends. And because me and my friends join some activities (it called UKM here, Unit Kegiatan Mahasiswa), we go there a lot. It was the third time when we met and I just realized; he was laughing at my lame jokes.

I was too broken to think I'd have a chance with him. My brain tells me to stop, crushing on him won't end too well for me. Probably I was too fucked up when one day, I finally texted him. But he kept replying my messages. He makes me hope. Deep down inside, I know it was wrong.

Hope.

There's nothing worse than a hope. I've been broken for way too long. The last time I hope for something... it went to something ugly (like, I didn't get in to state university). But he went on and on. I thought he care about me, I thought he knew me, maybe not full-story-of-me, but same.

To be honest, I'm scared. I'm afraid something might hurt me again and finally I'll be more broken than I already am. It was like I spent almost three years, three fucking years, to built these walls, wished I could've saved me from falling. But he did it.

Step by step, he was getting there. Right now, it's not just a stupid crush anymore, it turns to a huge-deal-of-something-called-love. 

I love you.

There, I wrote it. Maybe I'm a coward to hide my feeling but at least I never make someone flew too high and run when that someone was screaming "I'm falling, will you catch me?".

I just.. I want him to understand, I can't be like this forever. I've been hurt too many times before, and I don't need him to open up my old scars. If he didn't genuinely care about me, if he thought I just a ragdoll to play with, fuck off. 

Why is everything can't be simple?