I need someone..

I want to tell my parents. I really do. But I can’t.

I can’t imagine what my mom’s gonna feel if I tell her that her only one daughter is suicidal. It just.. I don’t know, I don’t want want to hurt her. She is my most favorite person in the whole world. And to think she’ll be hurt by just telling that.. I rather keep my mouth shut.

Some people would like to tell the others about how they feel. But I just can’t. I keep lying to everyone and saying “I’m okay” most of times. Yeah, I probably should stop doing that.

Do you know what worse than not having a single friend?

To be ignored by everyone you love. That’s really bad. I mean, I care about them. Maybe I just wrong. I always thinking that everyone has positive side, I also love too much. It’s like I’ve put a piece of my heart in their hands. And when they ignoring me, I feel like they just throw my heart away. It seems like no one appreciates my love for them. And it hurts so much. It hurts me mentally. Maybe you can't see it but I'm sure feel it.

Everytime I build up my walls, there are always some people who succeded tear it down just to break my heart all over again. These voices in my head can’t stop. I keep hearing voices that always telling me to die. I’m not worth it, it’s better for me to go all alone.

I know I’m not supposed to do this again. But I just can’t help my self. Self-harm helps me a lot. It decreases the pain I feel from reality. It’s my voiceless scream. Knowing that people would be happy if I die.. maybe I have to do it someday.

I just really need someone to talk right now.

But my family is busy organizing my uncle’s 7-days-post-death while my friends have been ignoring me for the last 3 days. I have no one to talk to. I’m sorry.

Dina