(Boy) friend

Monday morning. Dua kata yang cukup menyebalkan bagi Jack ketika bangun tidur hari ini. Dia benci Senin pagi, siang, sore, dan malam. Intinya dia benci hari Senin. He groaned out loud when he realized that Mr. Frederick, one of the most killer teacher, will be taking Mr. Andrew's position today because he has family issues back in his hometown. Sialnya lagi, Mr. Andrew mengajar matematika yang berarti ia harus bertemu Mr. Frederick yang notabene guru pengganti selama dua jam penuh.

"Jack! It's six already! Bangun dan segera mandi atau aku tidak mau mengantarmu sekolah!" Suara Mrs. Harris terdengar cukup keras dari kamar Jack— pertanda bahwa kesabaran ibunya sudah mulai habis. "Kamu juga belum sarapan. Don't make me go upstairs and throw water on your face. You hear me, young man?"

Sungguh bukan awal yang baik. "Yeah, mom. Aku dengar semuanya, oke? Tunggu lima belas menit lagi dan aku akan turun," balasnya sembari berjalan menuju kamar mandi di dalam kamarnya.

Dua puluh lima menit kemudian, Jack sudah duduk di dalam mobil ibunya. Mereka harus mengantar adik perempuan Jack, Lucy, ke playgroup terlebih dahulu. Lagu Love Me Tender milik Elvis Presley sedang mengalun pelan dari stasiun radio favorit Mrs. Harris sementara Jack sedang sibuk dengan ponselnya.

"Mom, aku bakal pulang telat hari ini. Ruthie dan Anthony mau mengajakku pergi." Jack berbicara ketika mereka sudah menurunkan Lucy dan sedang dalam perjalanan menuju Hall Cross Academy, sekolah lanjutan yang akan ia tinggalkan kurang dari setahun lagi.

Mrs. Harris melayangkan pandangan sekilas ke anak sulungnya yang tidak mengalihkan perhatiannya dari gadget. "Okay. Don't do anything stupid."

He rolled his eyes, annoyed. Dia kan sudah enam belas tahun, masa iya ibunya harus selalu mengingatkan hal itu setiap kali dia mau pergi main? But he just nodded his head before stepping out of the car.

Jack tengah merapikan posisi dasinya ketika seseorang berjalan di sampingnya. "Udah rapi kok," orang tersebut berkomentar sembari tersenyum kecil. He was startled at first, tapi ketika ia tahu bahwa orang tersebut adalah salah satu sahabatnya, he smiled back before finishing his undone task.

Namanya Grace Somerset, just like a county in South-West England. Rambut coklatnya memanjang hingga ke punggung. Kacamata dengan frame berwarna merah membingkai mata coklatnya yang menenangkan dan selalu berbinar ketika ia tertarik pada hal-hal baru. She isn't popular but at least she has Jack and Joe as her bestfriends. Menurutnya, mereka lebih dari cukup.

"So, my first period is maths, yang pasti menyebalkan karena Mr. Andrew memilih Mr. Frederick sebagai pengganti sementaranya. What's yours?" tanya Jack.

"Oh, that sucks." She grimaced before continues, "aku ada kelas Geografi di jam pertama."

"Tell me about it," katanya dengan nada datar. "Kau sendirian? Tumben gak bareng Joe."

Grace segera melirik Jack. "Dia menghubungiku pagi ini dan bilang kalo dia sakit. He didn't tell you, did he?" Jack menggelengkan kepalanya. Dia bahkan tidak tahu apa-apa. "Aku berencana untuk menjenguknya nanti sepulang sekolah, kau mau ikut?"

Dia ingin ikut. Apalagi Joe adalah sahabatnya semenjak mereka masih di TK. Tapi dia sudah terlanjur janji dengan kakak-beradik Oakley. "Aku ada janji menemani Ruthie dan Anthony ke mall hari ini. Mungkin aku bisa kesana sekitar jam tujuh, I'm not so sure."

Jack merasa seperti melihat kekecewaan di wajah Grace untuk sepersekian detik. Tapi dia tidak terlalu yakin, perempuan yang telah menjadi temannya sejak primary school itu terlalu pintar menyembunyikan perasaannya. Grace selalu bilang semuanya baik-baik saja padahal ia sakit hati, something that Jack never understands, kenapa tidak berkata jujur saja?

Mereka memilih untuk diam sepanjang perjalanan mereka menuju kelas masing-masing dengan pikiran yang berbeda. Jack memikirkan bagaimana caranya agar bisa menjenguk Joe secepatnya sementara Grace sibuk meyakinkan dirinya sendiri bahwa seorang Jack Harris tidak akan pernah memiliki rasa sayang lebih untuknya.

Jarum jam seakan berputar sepuluh kali lebih lama dari biasanya hari itu. Mata Grace tidak bisa berhenti melihat jam di pergelangan tangan kirinya. Kelas Fisika milik Miss Crawford yang biasanya menjadi kelas kesukaannya entah mengapa terasa membosankan hari ini. Dengan absennya Joe maka semakin terasa pula kecanggungan antara Jack dengan dirinya. Biasanya Joe akan membuat lelucon dan menghibur dirinya apabila ia sedang badmood seperti ini, tapi Joe sedang sakit, meninggalkannya menderita di hari Senin. She sighed silently. Dia bertemu Jack waktu jam makan siang tadi, atau lebih tepatnya Jack menghampirinya ketika ia makan siang. He said that he cancelled his plan with Oakleys so he will go to Joe's house with her Tidak hanya itu, ia juga duduk di sebelah Grace selama makan siang dan menemani mengambil buku Fisika di loker milik Grace yang terletak tidak jauh dari lokernya.

Beberapa menit kemudian, bel berbunyi nyaring. Jack dengan segera memasukkan bukunya ke dalam tas dan segera mengirim pesan kepada Grace melalui ponselnya.

'Tunggu aku di depan kelasmu lima menit lagi'

Ia sudah akan keluar kelas ketika Mrs. Hastings memanggilnya. "Jack, can I talk to you for a minute?" Mau tidak mau Jack menganggukkan kepalanya dan kembali menuju meja guru. "You're failing in my class. Aku suka kau, nak. Kau adalah salah satu murid terbaikku tahun lalu. Jadi aku akan memberikan tugas tambahan agar kau bisa menyusul yang lain. You don't mind, do you?" Ia hanya menggeleng kepalanya pelan. Tentu saja ia ada di ambang kegagalan. Sudah beberapa minggu ini ia tidak bisa belajar dengan tenang karena orangtuanya selalu bertengkar. Meskipun Bahasa Inggris adalah salah satu pelajaran favoritnya, ia tetap saja tidak bisa mengerjakan ulangan apabila ia tidak belajar pada malam sebelumnya. "Buat essay tentang novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Tulis pendapatmu tentang pengembangan karakter, setting, alur, serta cerita daripada novel tersebut. Minimal dua lembar kertas. Kumpulkan padaku hari Senin depan." 

"I'll try my best, Mrs. Hastings." Guru Bahasa Inggris yang memang terkenal ramah itu hanya tersenyum dan mempersilahkan Jack untuk keluar kelas.

Grace sudah menunggu selama hampir lima belas menit di depan kelas Fisika. Hampir semua teman sekelasnya sudah keluar, membuat Grace semakin gelisah. Tidak biasanya Jack begini, ia selalu tepat waktu. Baru saja ia akan mengetik pesan di ponselnya ketika Jack berlari ke arahnya.

"Sorry to make you wait. Aku ada urusan sebentar dengan Mrs. Hastings tadi. Shall we go now?" nafasnya masih sedikit terengah-engah namun ia tidak mau membuat perempuan cantik itu menunggu terlalu lama. Lagipula ia sudah tidak sabar ingin bertemu Joe.

Rumah Joe berada tidak begitu jauh dari sekolah. Mereka hanya perlu berjalan dua blok untuk sampai kesana. Tujuh belas menit perjalanan, Grace menghitungnya secara teliti, dan mereka hanya ngobrol sesekali. Terlalu canggung. Tapi dia hanya diam sembari sesekali membenarkan letak kacamatanya. Mungkin memang ia harus mulai membuka hati untuk lelaki lain— tapi siapa? Her mind is so full of Jack, she can't think of anybody else.

Jack mengetuk pintu rumah Joe perlahan. Setelah beberapa ketukan, pintu terbuka dan memunculkan Daniel, kakak laki-laki Joe yang sedang menyelesaikan studinya di University of Manchester.

"Oh, hey, kukira siapa. Masuk aja, Joe ada di kamarnya," sambut Daniel ramah.

"Thanks. I don't mean to be rude, tapi bukankah kau seharusnya ada di Manchester?" Grace mencoba untuk bertanya sesopan mungkin karena ia tidak mengerti mengapa Daniel ada di Doncaster di bulan Januari.

Daniel hanya tertawa. "Well, awalnya aku berencana untuk pulang kemarin siang tapi karena mom dan dad pergi ke Birmingham selama seminggu, aku memiliki tugas menjaga Joe yang sakit. Jadi aku mengirimkan surat ijin selama beberapa hari sampai Joe sembuh." Kedua sahabat adiknya ini lumayan dekat dengannya. Jadi dia tidak merasa canggung untuk bercerita apapun pada mereka. "Do you want a cuppa?"

Jack segera menganggukkan kepalanya. "Tentu saja aku mau, teh buatan kau kan lima kali lebih nikmat dari pada buatan Joe."

"Mate, I heard that," Joe yang tiba-tiba sudah ada di tangga ikut berkomentar."That hurts." He fake pouted.

Grace tersenyum melihat ulahnya sebelum membantu Joe menuruni tangga. Wajahnya masih pucat dan badannya terasa panas. Sudah jelas terlihat bahwa walaupun dengan bantuan Grace, ia masih kepayahan menuruni anak tangga yang ada di rumahnya.

He doesn't look okay at all. Tapi ia tetap tersenyum dan mencoba membuat mereka tertawa. You can't possibly hate Joe Sharman, period. Matanya yang berwarna biru bakal membiusmu seketika. Kau mungkin akan berpikir dia orang normal karena warna matanya itu (which makes him ten times more attractive by the way). Joe adalah definisi tepat dari seorang prankster. Iseng, suka sekali menjahili orang lain, bahkan gurunya sendiri. Mungkin itulah kenapa Grace bisa menjadi sahabatnya, perempuan manis itu mengingatkannya untuk tetap berperilaku normal, well.. normal menurut definisi mereka.

"You look like shit, Joe," komentar Jack setelah membantunya duduk di sofa.

Joe tergelak mendengar komentar itu. "Thanks, Jack. Senang kau masih bisa bercanda dengan kondisiku." But Jack didn't laugh. Dia mengatakan yang sebenarnya. "Tenang saja, dokter bilang aku bisa berangkat sekolah dua hari lagi. Flu perutku belum separah yang kalian pikir."

Jarum jam menunjukkan pukul tujuh ketika Grace dan Jack memutuskan untuk pulang. Daniel menawarkan untuk mengantar mereka, tapi mereka menolak dengan halus dan memilih untuk berjalan kaki. 

Jalan raya di Doncaster berbeda dengan London yang selalu ramai. Jalanan cenderung sepi ketika hari mulai gelap. Biasanya, Grace menyukai kesepian itu. Membuatnya bisa berpikir selama perjalanan. Tapi dengan hadirnya Jack di sampingnya.. it's like a sin to think everything else when you have Jack Harris walking beside you.

"It's January. Sebentar kita akan lulus sekolah dan menghadiri pesta dansa." Jack started to talk about school, leaving Grace to listen carefully to what he was saying. "Our senior year will end in less than a year, Grace. Where the bloody hell the time flies?"

"Kukira hanya aku yang memikirkannya," Jack tersenyum. Ugh, that smile! Senyum manis yang selalu membuat perut Grace terasa aneh, seperti jutaan kupu-kupu terbang. "Setelah itu kita hanya punya dua tahun untuk menyelesaikan A-Levels sebelum akhirnya kita berpisah."

Wajahnya menunduk ke bawah. "I'm kind of not ready for that. Aku tidak mau berpisah dari kau dan Joe." Apa yang dikatakannya itu adalah sebuah kejujuran. Salah satu dari sekian rahasia yang disimpan oleh perempuan penyuka pizza itu berhasil membuat Jack terhenyak sesaat. Ia tidak pernah berpikir bahwa seorang Grace Somerset merasa seperti itu.

Jack mendesah pelan, "I didn't know if you feel that way. Bukankah kau sudah tidak sabar untuk keluar dari kota kecil ini dan mengejar mimpi untuk berkuliah di Oxford?"

"Yah, aku memang tidak sabar. Tapi meninggalkan kalian..," she didn't plan on telling Jack or Joe about her feelings. Dia hanya tidak mau dianggap clingy. "Kalian adalah sahabatku sejak lama. Dan jujur saja, aku tidak punya teman lain selain kalian selama ini. Aku... aku takut untuk memulai semua dari awal lagi."

Sepasang mata hijau milik Jack menangkap rasa takut luar biasa ketika sahabatnya itu mengungkapkan semuanya. "Hey, kau kan ramah. It won't be hard for you to make new friends. Aku malah takut kau akan melupakanku dan Joe setelah kau mulai kuliah disana." Mungkin ini bukan saat yang tepat untuk bercanda, tapi sungguh, ia tidak tega melihat Grace begitu sedih. Untunglah Grace bisa sedikit tersenyum setelah mendengarnya. "By the way, I'm failing English. Jadi Mrs. Hastings memberiku tugas tambahan untuk membuat essay dari novel karangan Chbosky. Would you help me? Please?"

Mata coklat Grace berbinar lucu. "Kau gagal di kelas Mrs. Hastings? Aneh, kau kan biasanya suka Bahasa Inggris." He just shrugged. "How about next Wednesday? Aku akan datang ke rumahmu. Make sure you pick Lucy up because I miss her cute little cheeks." He grinned and nodded his head before saying his goodbye to her right in front of her house.

***

Joe dan Daniel masih menonton marathon Big Bang Theory di TV walaupun jam dinding sudah menunjukkan pukul sembilan. Mereka sudah menghabiskan hampir seharian untuk tidur sebelum Grace dan Jack datang, maka tidak aneh apabila wajah mereka masih terlihat segar.

"Do you think Jack and Grace will be a couple?" tanya Joe sambil mengunyah makanan China yang baru saja diantar ke rumahnya.

Daniel terlihat berpikir sebentar. "Mungkin. Tapi aku pikir itu tidak akan segera terjadi."

"I know. Mereka seperti sama-sama buta, tidak bisa melihat bahwa mereka sebenarnya saling suka. Gosh! You should see how awkward the air around you when it was just those two sitting on the same table." Joe groaned in frustation. "Ingin sekali aku berteriak agar mereka membuka mata mereka. Seriously, Grace selalu melihat Jack seakan-akan ia adalah satu-satunya makhluk paling menarik di dunia ini."

Kakak kandung Joe hanya tertawa mendengar ceritanya. Jujur saja, semua orang awam juga pasti bisa melihat bagaimana berbedanya cara mereka melihat satu sama lain. Belum lagi ketegangan yang ada waktu ia membukakan pintu depan untuk mereka tadi sore— kau bisa memotongnya dengan sebuah gunting, persis seperti pita peresmian suatu gedung baru.

"Mungkin kau harus lakukan sesuatu?" perkataannya keluar sebagai pertanyaan.

Joe menatap kakaknya lama. "Nah, aku benar-benar tidak ingin ikut campur. I'll let them figure that out on their own. Biar aku dan Emma menyaksikan dari belakang."

***

It took a little longer for Joe to back to school. Ia baru bisa berangkat ke sekolah pada hari Jum'at sementara Daniel memutuskan untuk kembali ke Manchester pada Jum'at sore. As much as he loves being home, he already missed this week’s lessons. Dan tentu saja hal itu membuat Joe harus sendirian di rumah karena orangtuanya harus ada di Birmingham selama tiga hari ke depan.

"Bloody hell, Emily! Kau ada masalah apa sih dengan Grace?! Kenapa kau membuatnya ketakutan seperti ini?!" Jack was shouting at this point. Ia baru saja masuk kelas Biologi dan menemukan sahabatnya menangis di belakang kelas. For the love of God, ini masih pagi dan ia sedang tidak ingin membentak orang. "I'll report you to the principal if you don't quit your bitchy attitude. Don't try me, Em. Kau tahu jika aku bisa dan akan melakukan itu." Gadis berambut pirang tersebut hanya mengangkat bahunya sebelum meninggalkan mereka berdua. "Did she hurt you? Grace? Grace, kau dengar suaraku?"

Grace hanya menggeleng lemah. "Kacamataku.. Jack, it— it's broken," katanya terbata. Matanya sendu melihat kacamata dengan frame merah itu remuk— kacanya pecah dan framenya patah. "Dad bakal memarahiku."

Ingin rasanya Jack meninju wajah Emily. Dia tidak punya hak untuk membuat Grace sedih seperti ini. Dan kacamatanya! Semua orang juga tahu jika Grace hampir tidak bisa melihat tanpa alat itu. "I will explain it to your dad. In the meanwhile, why don't you go see the nurse? Aku akan meminjami catatanku nanti. Oke?" Entah mengapa Jack merasa hatinya seakan ditusuk oleh belati. Ia tidak pernah melihat Grace seperti ini.. begitu sedih dan kecewa. Jack lebih tidak mengerti akan perasaannya yang seakan ingin menghapus kesedihan itu dari wajah Grace. Seeing her so vulnerable like this, somehow he just wants to protect her. Gadis cantik seperti Grace tidak seharusnya menangis seperti ini.

"So, are you saying that Emily has been torturing her?" tanya Joe saat mereka sedang dalam perjalanan pulang.

Jack sudah menceritakan semuanya. Termasuk alasan kenapa mereka harus mampir ke rumah Grace untuk menjelaskan perihal kacamata rusak kepada ayahnya. It wasn't a good experience, tapi setidaknya Mr. Somerset tidak memarahi Grace.

Lain halnya dengan Joe yang masih kebingungan akan cerita Jack. Menurutnya, Emily adalah gadis baik-baik. He even sits with her in Geometry class. Mana mungkin dia menyakiti Grace? Lagipula Grace itu kan baik, kenapa ada yang mau melakukan hal seperti itu padanya? He doesn't quite understand what the hell is going on.

"Aku tidak tahu, oke? Yang aku tahu adalah dia berdiri di depan Grace yang sedang menangis— menginjak kacamata satu-satunya milik Grace." Mereka sudah sampai di rumah Jack. For some reasons, Joe doesn't want to be alone in his house, so he simply just asked Jack if he can stay over. "Mom? Dad? I'm home." Tidak ada jawaban selain suara orang bertengkar dari dalam kamar orangtuanya. "Sorry, Joe. Cobalah untuk tidak menggubris suara mereka."

Clary dan Finnegan Harris mungkin bukan salah satu contoh orangtua ideal. Tapi bagaimanapun juga, mereka tetap orangtua Jack. Yang tidak dimengerti oleh anak remaja itu adalah kenapa mereka harus memaksakan diri untuk bersama padahal mereka tidak bisa akur? Tentu saja tidak ada yang suka tentang ide dari suatu perceraian, namun sungguh Jack akan memilihnya bila itu berarti kedua orangtuanya bisa bahagia.

Setelah mengecek Lucy yang masih terlelap di kamarnya, ia segera menyusul Joe masuk ke kamarnya sendiri. Mereka segera mengganti pakaian mereka sebelum bermain FIFA. Joe tahu tentang masalah Jack. Ia juga tahu bahwa sahabatnya tidak mau membicarakan tentang masalah keluarganya, so he just kept his mouth shut.

"Hey, Joe. Aku penasaran— tapi kau jangan tertawa." Jack memulai obrolan namun tidak sekali pun ia mengalihkan fokus dari layar TV di depannya. Orang yang ia panggil hanya mengeluarkan suara 'hm-mmhm'. "Kau sudah berpacaran dengan Emma selama satu tahun. Aku— uhh, how did you ask her out for the first time?"

Joe menekan tombol pause di controllernya. "Mate, are you in love with a girl?"

"Hah? Apa sih, aku kan cuma tanya. Kalau kau tidak mau jawab juga tidak apa-apa," ia mencoba untuk mengalihkan topik. He really shouldn't have asked that.

But Joe was having none of it. He smirked. "Siapa? Kau bahkan tidak cerita padaku. Kukira aku sahabatmu."

"Kau memang sahabatku, Joe. You know what— anggap saja aku tidak pernah menanyakan hal itu."

"Dan membiarkanmu menyimpan rahasia sebesar ini? Hell, no."

Oh, God. Selamat datang di mode aku-akan-terus-memberondong-pertanyaan-padamu milik Joe. Satu hal penting, dia tidak akan berhenti menanyaimu sampai ia mendapat semua jawaban dari pertanyaannya. It's kind of annoying, really.

"Ada seorang gadis— dia cantik, manis. Tapi dia selalu menutup diri dariku. Jujur saja, I like her, Joe. I like her a lot. Aku hanya tidak yakin jika dia juga menyukaiku."

"Deskripsikan dia, Jack." Suaranya begitu memerintah.

"What? Aku gak akan mendeskripsikannya untuk kau." Karena Joe pasti akan tahu bahwa ia mendeskripsikan Grace.

Joe rolled his eyes. "Ajak dia pergi. It's simple."

"What, like a date?" tanya Jack kembali.

Dan untuk kesekian kalinya, Joe sangat ingin menghajar sahabatnya itu. Knocking some senses to him. "No, like a study group thing." Jack hanya menatapnya tanpa berkedip. "Yes, you moron! Ajak dia kencan! Astaga, kenapa aku bisa punya seorang idiot macam kau untuk menjadi teman dekatku?"

***

Lagi-lagi Jack harus berhadapan dengan hari Senin. Ia harus berangkat ke sekolah dan bertemu Grace, gadis yang entah mengapa selalu berada di pikirannya selama beberapa tahun belakangan. Dan setelah berdebat dirinya sendiri, Jack mulai mengakui bahwa ia menyukai sahabatnya sendiri. And on the top of that, Joe sudah tahu bahwa ia sedang menyukai seseorang.

Baru saja ia turun dari mobil ibunya, ia mendengar namanya dipanggil. He didn't recognize her at first, tapi semakin gadis itu mendekat, ia yakin bahwa itu Grace. Mata Jack tidak berkedip ketika melihat penampilan baru seorang Grace Somerset. Ia tidak lagi mengenakan kacamata, sepasang lensa kontak telah menggantikan fungsi kacamata lamanya. Rambut coklatnya diberi warna pirang pada bagian bawah.

"Jack, mate, you're drooling." Joe, yang entah sejak kapan berdiri di sampingnya, berbisik pelan padanya.

Grace tersenyum pada mereka berdua, membuat Jack harus menelan air ludahnya beberapa kali. She looks even more beautiful without her stupid glasses, it's unbelievable. "Kau— uhh— kau terlihat berbeda."

She laughed lightly. "Itu baik atau buruk?"

"Gracie, my darling. Jika kita lihat dari ekspresi Jack, sepertinya 'berbeda' berarti baik," Joe tidak tahan untuk tidak menggoda sahabatnya. Sepertinya ia benar-benar menikmati kecanggungan Jack.

"Yeah, I mean, kau terlihat cantik."

She giggled at the awkward guy. "Terima kasih. How's your essay?"

"It's done! Thanks to you. Mungkin memang aku tidak ditakdirkan untuk gagal di kelas Mrs. Hastings," kelakar Jack.

Mereka bertiga berjalan menuju kelas Geografi untuk mengantar Grace. Joe tidak henti-hentinya berceloteh tentang rencananya untuk mengajak Emma makan malam. He is nervous and excited, but he also terrified.

"Have you asked her out?" pertanyaan Joe yang tiba-tiba sukses membuat Jack bingung dan Grace mengerutkan kening.

"Huh? Aku— entahlah," jawab Jack sembari menggosok leher belakangnya.

"Kalian bicara apa? I'm kinda lost.." she admitted.

"Oh, kau belum tahu? Sahabat kita yang satu ini-" Joe menepuk bahu Jack keras, "he is in loveee."

She doesn't really remember when was the last time she experienced a heartbreak but she was sure she just heard her heart cracked at the second those words fallen out from Joe's mouth. Tapi tentu saja ia tidak bisa memperlihatkan itu, bukan? Mereka bahkan tidak tahu jika ia suka pada Jack lebih dari seorang sahabat. So she did what bestfriends should do.

"Really? Siapa? Kenapa kau tidak pernah cerita padaku?" 

For the love of God, Jack ingin sekali menyumpal mulut Joe dengan kaos kaki bekas yang ada di pintu kamarnya. Dia tiba-tiba menyesal sudah bercerita pada Joe kemarin.

"Uh— bukan siapa-siapa. I mean, yeah, dia dekat denganku tapi dia tidak terlalu dekat denganku untuk urusan pribadi. Kau mengerti maksudku?" ingin rasanya ia berteriak bahwa Grace lah perempuan yang ia maksud. Tapi dia juga tidak mau membuat persahabatan mereka hancur hanya karena perasaan sukanya pada Grace. Di sisi lain ia juga tidak mau Grace berpikir bahwa ia suka pada perempuan lain. "This is bloody confusing, okay?"

Grace hanya tersenyum kecil sebelum akhirnya masuk ke kelas Geografi. Leaving Jack and Joe walking to Math class together. "You like her, don't you?" tanya Joe tanpa mengalihkan pandangannya dari lantai.

"Wh— who?" Jack stuttered.

"Emily," jawab Joe sekenanya. "Tentu saja Grace, you dumbass." Muka Jack terlihat memerah dan gelagatnya berubah gelisah. Bagaimana mungkin Joe bisa tahu? Jack ingat betul bahwa ia belum pernah menyebut nama. "Ayolah, Jack. It's kind of obvious. Mata kau seakan-akan berubah menjadi hati ketika melihatnya. Dan reaksimu tadi pagi.. it just confirmed my assumption."

"Damn."

Mark your calendar. 25 Januari 2014 adalah awal dari semua godaan-godaan verbal oleh seorang Joe Sharman yang ditujukan kepada sahabatnya sejak TK, Jack Harris.

***

Hari-hari terus bergulir, it's June already. And although Joe can't stop teasing Jack about his crush, he survived it until the very last day of final examination. Surely, Joe had made him blushed more than he can count in front of Grace. Tetapi Jack masih bersyukur karena sahabatnya itu masih mengunci mulutnya rapat-rapat.

"Jack! Dude!! Emma baru saja mengiyakan ajakanku ke pesta dansa!" Joe terlihat sangat bersemangat ketika memberitahukan sahabatnya tentang berita tersebut.

Yep. He asked his girlfriend to go to the school dance with him. Pesta yang sangat dinanti-nantikan para senior itu memang masih satu bulan lagi, namun sudah banyak lelaki yang mengajak para wanita untuk pergi bersama. Cliché, but of course it will flatter every girl in the world.

Namun sayang hal itu tidak berlaku bagi Jack. He is too afraid to even ask Grace out, let alone asking her to the school dance. Tentu saja ia ingin mengajak gadis manis itu pergi tapi Grace yang sekarang membuatnya malu. She is too pretty to go out with Jack.

"Hey, lihat arah jam sepuluh," kata Joe sembari menyenggol lengan sahabatnya.

Grace Somerset sedang berdiri di hadapan Marcus Bashforth yang notabene kapten tim sepakbola mereka. And all of sudden, he was already on his knees. “Bloody hell, please tell me he isn’t asking her out!”

Jack sangat ingin berlari kesana dan menghancurkan rencana apapun yang ada di pikiran lelaki yang sangat dibencinya itu. Grace tidak pantas dengan seseorang seperti Marcus Bashforth. He is a self-centered wanker who doesn’t have a single care about Grace like Jack does.

"Marcus, terima kasih atas semuanya. I’m flattered, I really am," Grace menuntun Marcus untuk kembali berdiri. "Tapi sayang sekali aku harus menolak tawaranmu."

Lelaki berambut pirang itu menatapnya tak percaya. Tidak pernah sekali pun ia ditolak oleh seorang gadis dan sekarang seorang Grace Somerset menolak ajakannya ke pesta dansa? What the hell is going on?

"Why? Ayolah Grace, kau cantik dan aku tampan. We definitely should go to the dance together as a couple!"

She was so ready to throw up right here and then. His cockiness is so unattractive, did he seriously think she would let him taking her to the dance with that? Tapi Grace terlalu sopan untuk mengatakan apa yang ada di pikirannya. "Because, Marcus, aku tidak akan pergi ke pesta dansa. Tapi aku yakin ada banyak gadis yang benar-benar menunggu untuk diajak ke pesta olehmu." Marcus kehilangan kata-kata. Di saat itulah Grace menyadari bahwa kedua sahabatnya tengah berdiri beberapa meter darinya. She grinned and waving her hand at them, "I have go now. See you another time, Marcus."

"Hei, kupikir kau akan pulang dengan Marcus?," pernyataan Joe justru keluar sebagai sebuah pertanyaan. Grace just scoffed. "What was he doing then? Aku yakin sekali dia tidak pernah berlutut di hadapan seorang gadis seperti tadi."

"Dia mengajakku pergi ke pesta dansa," jawab Grace dengan nada datar. "And before you say anything, I said no."

Grace is pretty sure she just heard Jack sighed in relief. “Good, because he is a wanker who doesn’t deserve you.”

Grace mungkin akan tersedak apabila ia sedang minum atau makan. Jack tidak mungkin mengatakan itu, kan? Tapi ia sangat yakin bahwa Jack baru saja mengemukakan rasa khawatirnya.

"Oh! Bollocks. Who am I kidding. Grace, maukah kau pergi denganku ke pesta dansa?" pertanyaan Jack berhasil membuat Joe membelalakkan matanya. Then he saw his surrounding. Mereka sedang ada di tengah-tengah halaman sekolah. Ia tidak mungkin mengajak Grace ke pesta dansa sekarang, kan?

Jack ingin sekali meninju wajahnya sendiri. What kind of person asking a girl to the dance without anything in his hand? Dia merasa seperti orang bodoh. Tapi dia juga merasa lega karena sudah mengungkapkan apa yang ada di pikirannya.

Gadis itu diam seketika. Did he seriously just ask her? She’s not dreaming, rite? Atau mungkin justru ini semua hanya halusinasi? Dia sering berhalusinasi apabila berada di dekat Jack. This is too good to be true.

"Grace, kau baik-baik saja?" Joe is looking at her with concern.

"Aku— uh— what did you just say, Jack?"

Yang ada di pikiran Jack sekarang adalah it’s now or never. So he bent down on his knees— making Grace widened her eyes and Joe whistled in joy. "I don’t know what I’m doing probably eighty percent of time. Tapi aku yakin satu hal. Grace Anne Somerset, I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember." He breathed deeply before continues. Tanpa melihat sekitarnya, ia sangat yakin bahwa aksinya ini telah mengundang perhatian hampir sebagian besar orang. "You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. Kau baik hati dan juga tidak pernah gagal membuatku tersenyum meskipun aku sedang mengalami hari terburuk dalam hidupku. Jadi, aku akan menanyakan hal ini. Will you give me the honour to be you boyfriend and go to the dance with you?"

She was speechless. Grace benar-benar bingung mau mengatakan apa. Tapi ia baru saja mendengar sahabatnya mengungkapkan perasaannya. Should she say yes? Or maybe say no? Dia baru saja menolak Marcus kurang dari dua puluh menit yang lalu!

Tapi Jack adalah adalah lelaki yang selama ini berada di pikiran— dan hatinya, tentu saja. Jika dia menolak Jack.. Ya Tuhan, dia bahkan tidak berani memikirkannya!

"I— Jack— aku—," she started to talk. Orang-orang mulai bersiul dan berteriak, menyuruhnya untuk menerima Jack. "Kau tahu aku tidak suka pesta dansa, kan?" Jack hanya mengangguk lemah. Mungkin memang Grace tidak mau bersama dengannya. "Tapi aku bersedia membuat pengecualian untukmu."

People cheered loudly. Sementara Joe hanya tertawa dari belakang mereka dengan Emma berdiri tepat di sampingnya. ‘What a beautiful sight to see,’ he thought. Dia tahu bahwa kedua sahabatnya saling menyukai satu sama lain tapi ia benar-benar tidak menyangka bahwa Jack benar-benar akan mengajaknya berkencan.

Jack’s green eyes blinked twice before asking, "Is that a yes? Dan kau belum menjawab pertanyaanku yang lain— wait, why are you crying? Fuck this, I’m so sorry—"

Grace just had to laugh. She was in tears but seeing Jack rambling was too much to handle. Ia membantu Jack untuk berdiri dan menjawab dengan penuh percaya diri. "Definitely yes, for both."

You can see happiness radiating through their bodies. Jack tidak bisa menyembunyikan senyumannya. Gigi-gigi putihnya terlihat bersih, membuat Grace ikut tersenyum bahagia. “Can I kiss you? I know that you’ve never had your first kiss and I just want—”

Tanpa diduga, Grace menciumnya lembut. Cara itu berhasil membuat Jack berhenti mengoceh. "Sorry if that was bad. Never had one before." She smiled sheepishly.

The crowd cheered even louder than ever.

"We can work on that," kata Jack sebelum menciumnya kembali.

Joe menyentuh pipi Emma lembut sebelum akhirnya mencium gadis berambut hitam itu. It surely was a good day for everyone.

"I’m glad I fell in love with my best friend. You have no idea how beautiful your words were. And you make me feel happy. I love you, Jack William Harris."

Love always works in misterious way. Kita tidak pernah tahu kapan cinta akan datang dan kapan ia akan pergi. Akan ada saat dimana kita bersedia bertingkah seperti orang bodoh dan mengesampingkan akal pikiran— namun ada pula saat dimana kita akan berpikir, ‘I’m so glad I fell in love’.

Ps: I wrote this fic a few years back but I hope this will do. I need to keep this blog alive :p

Braless??!

I can't believe I'm writing about being braless but this is what I have in mind for the past couple of days and I just get it out of my system. Yes, I can write this on other social media such as Facebook and Instagram, or even rant on Twitter. But this is probably gonna be a long narrative so why not write here on my blog, right? I need to keep this blog alive somehow.

When I was a kid, specifically when I just started to wear a bra, people were telling me that a woman should always wear bras, be it for indoor or outdoor activity. If I didn't obey it, then my boobs would get saggy and all over the place.

Being a kid myself, of course, I'm afraid and eventually adhere to what people say. I don't want my boobs to get saggy, what would boys think of me?! I wanna have pretty boobs so I can get a boyfriend that loves me with all he has. These were my thoughts when I started to wear bras. I was too naive. All I had in mind was getting dolled up and being pretty so I can attract boys. My current mindset had changed a lot from that.

I then learned that there are many types of boobs. You can know further about this stuff by reading here. I also learned about feminism and loving myself more. Loving myself means accepting every tiny part of my body. It means I have to stop comparing my body to others. Sure, I can lose a few pounds of my weight but it means nothing if I don't like myself, huh?

Starting from last year, I go braless as many times as I can, mostly when I'm at home. When I was living on my own last year, going braless is such a blessing. Women must know that feeling when we take off our bras after a long day at work. I always take off mine right after I arrived home and for the love of God, it feels uh-ma-zing.

I do this solely because it feels restricted to wear bras when I sleep but based on some articles I read, it actually makes me sleep better. I don't have to worry about saggy boobs because every woman has their own type of boobs. Always wearing bras also not good for my shoulder and neck, so taking it off definitely makes it better for me personally.

I don't want to tell you to go commando (without underwear) or braless. I just want to tell you that there are a lot of benefits from going braless. You may read the benefits here or here. I don't want to write a post about health without providing relatable articles. So you may want to read those articles to know better about the benefits of going braless.

So, now you know about it. I personally like going braless because somehow it feels empowering. It's also such a hassle to put on one. How about you, ladies? Do you like to go braless? Or contemplating to do it?

Also, the whole COVID-19 pandemic is really serious so I hope you all stay safe. Stay at home and don't go out unless it's urgent or important. Don't go to crowded places and hang out with your friends for a while. We can help by obeying what the government says. 

Keep safe,

Dee

Anger 101

Anger never shows itself in the right place. It always comes at the wrong time and place. It often makes us feel so hot to the point we want to snap at anyone at any given moment. We've become a ticking bomb before we knew it. 

Little by little, all of that anger builds up. It's only a matter of time until we explode but nobody wants that. No one wants to be friends with such an angry person but they always are the ones that make us angry. It's frustrating and annoying at the same time. But, again, we can't complain. Nobody likes complaints, a whiny person is a big no in society, isn't it?

We once again found ourselves keeping anger to ourselves, seeking ways to distribute this negative emotion so we won't be a walking bomb around people. 

Is it difficult? Yes, it is.

We've been told to keep our mouths shut and to not be a brat by being angry. But, darling, even though it is negative, anger is still a form of emotion that shouldn't be held back. One, it's not good for mental health. Two, it will affect our mood. Sure, we can't be angry 24/7 but at least we can control it. This is called anger management.

There are therapies out there to help us manage our anger. Talking to professional help is one of the ways to help us control our anger. I'm not saying it will be easy. There is no such thing as ease when it comes to mental health. We have to do it if we want to get better and not have angry outbursts every now and then.

Emotions are there for us to be felt, not to be ignored. Be it positive like happiness or negative like anger, we have to feel them in order to be human beings. Life is all about balance, and there is always a silver lining. 

Kisses,

Dee 

2020

Wow, it's been a year since my last post. And a lot of things happened in the span of a year. But well, I'm still growing up and still learning with my new phase of life as an adult.

Last year was such a rollercoaster ride. I mean, every year is a rollercoaster but last year hit differently. I started my job in a different city (which didn't last that long btw), gained new acquaintances, learned new things, and of course, lived alone. All of those happened only in a span of 6 months. 

There were times when I wanted to write a new post but I think I was too exhausted every time I was done with work. So, I kept putting it off until today. If I'm being honest, I do miss writing like this. Taking everything out of my mind and writing it down is such a therapeutic thing to do. I feel like my mind can run freely here and no one will talk trash even if I write badly.

I'm not gonna kid myself and make a long-ass list of resolutions because I don't really know how to commit to that list. I just want 2020 to be nicer than previous years. There is a hope that I can have a new job and probably a love life? LOL who am I kidding, I'm not ready to be committed just yet.

My friends are either getting married or having children at my age and here I am, almost 24 years old, writing this post and complaining about life on my twitter. LOLz.

In all seriousness, I hope 2020 Dee will be stronger than ever and probably can cut off the dosage of my daily drugs from my psychiatrist. It's been 2 years already and I can't wait to be off meds. And because I can't just stop it on my own, I will wait patiently until the doctor said that it's okay for me to just go to therapy without consuming those drugs.

Kisses,

Dee

Holding On

A few days ago, one of my colleagues asked me; 

"Dee, what makes you keep holding on until now?"

I couldn't help but stop what I was doing and thought about it for a moment. What makes me endure all of the pains and still carry on with my life?

As many of you know, I suffer from severe depression for the past couple of years. I even planned to end my own life. I was desperately holding on to a thin line. It was such a struggle to spend a day without crying. I cried so much that it hurt me physically. I was constantly feeling blue and unmotivated. As the day went by, my will to live also disappeared.

I desperately needed someone to calm me down and tell me that it was okay and I shouldn't have felt worthless. I knew that I needed professional help, and I did. I sought help only to be told that I was not religious enough and needed to pray more. I would be lying if I say that sentence didn't hurt me because it did. My effort to get better didn't help me at all. Instead, it made me think that maybe I really wasn't worth it. My life had no meaning and I was just a burden to everyone else.

Being asked about my motivation to hold on makes me think only one person. My mother.

She was the reason why I keep holding on until this very second. Thinking about her was enough to make me say "enough of this shit, I need to get better". Both of us were diagnosed with depression but instead of encouraging us to seek professional help, most people told us to be more religious and apologize to God for not being diligent enough. Our surrounding was so toxic.

Fortunately, I met a great psychiatrist who was willing to listen to my rants. She consoled me and told me to not think too much ahead or look back to my past. I need to focus on the present time. Instead of bottling up my emotions, I have to acknowledge them. I have to accept every emotion that comes out; anger, sadness, happiness, or even disappointment. I need to forgive my own flaws in order to accept them completely.

I used to be so embarrassed when it comes to mental health because our society teaches us that going to a mental ward in a hospital means you're crazy. In short, a mental ward is for those who have lost their mind. This perception had made me rethink million times before I opened up to someone. I didn't want people to think that I'm crazy because I am not.

Now though, I can talk about it freely without being scared of people judge me. Having depression doesn't make me a lazy bum or a stupid person. So what if I'm depressed? I still can give tutoring sessions several times almost every day.

I then ended up telling my colleague this;

"My mother is the main reason why I keep holding on. But knowing that I'm capable of doing things with my own pace also makes me believe that my life is worth to be lived. There will be bad and good days. I maybe will cry my eyes out on my bad days but that's it. It's just a bad day, not a bad life. Acknowledging my emotions has taught me that bottling up things won't do any good."

To you whoever read this, I believe that no life is worthless. You are precious in the way that maybe you haven't realized yet. Hang in there a little bit more. I swear things will get better as the time passes by. If you feel like you can't carry on with your life, reach out to someone; online or offline. You don't have to feel alone because you are loved.

Warm hugs and kisses,

Dee

Honesty

A couple of days ago, I asked my Instagram followers if they want me to write on here or not and the result was kind of shocking for me. 100% voted yes which means I have to write a new post here, so here I am, fulfilling my promise towards my dearest friends and followers on Instagram as well as writing about a serious matter; HONESTY.

It's been way too long since my last post. Life works in a weird way which eventually makes me take a couple steps back just to calm myself. Most of you who know me in real life must be aware of my condition and what's going on in my life.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was discharged from the hospital in January. And as it turned out, I have Mixed Anxiety and Severe Depression without Psychotic Symptoms. I've been going to the hospital to see my doctor once a month. 

The first visit, I was anxious as hell and ended up crying for about an hour in her room. The second visit, I still cried. I also told her about my suicide plan. On my third visit, I told her that I've been writing a journal and although it was depressing, she asked me if she could read it. I gave her my journal and she took a few pictures of the content for further analysis. She didn't tell me about my religion albeit we have the same religion. Instead, she asked me to be honest.

On my very first encounter with her, I wasn't 100% honest and lied to her. I'd built a thick wall to make myself feel safer. Even though she already told me that I needed to be honest, I just couldn't see myself being honest with her. From my perspective, she was, after all, a stranger. I'd say that she knew I lied but she didn't call me out for it. 

This fact alone makes me rethink if I made the right choice to lie to her. She then further explained that in order to get better, I need to be honest with myself first. Honesty is the key to my recovery. Not only being honest about my opinions but also being honest with my own emotions. Realizing that hiding my emotions was really an eye-opening moment for me. She proceeded to tell me that I am in fact getting better by each day and asked how did I manage to get better when in reality, nothing big really changed in my daily life.

That question forced me to think back to how it all started. I was suicidal, yes, sometimes I still am. But when I found out that my mom tried to hurt herself, it was unbearable. I thought to myself; what if I didn't make it to the hospital for her very last breath? Is this what my friends and family went through when I told them that I want to leave for good?

And after that realization dawned on me, I want to get better not for the sake of people's around me but for me and for my own sake. That honesty to myself was all I needed to make myself be a better person and not relapse until this very second.

"Okay Dee, we all get that you have mental illnesses but can you tell us the reason why you want to talk about honesty?"

My journey of mental health is not over just yet. Every day still feels like I'm about to go to a war with myself. I still have the urge to hurt myself too but I don't do it, do I? This is my honesty. Before seeing my doctor, I would deny admitting those things. Why? Because I felt like I would be perceived as a weak person if I admitted it.

With my current perspective, I know very well that being honest to myself about my own condition is the very first step to love myself. Being honest with myself has made me more open about my mental illnesses. I don't exactly know how but I can talk freely about mental health even with the elders.

Begin your own journey to happiness by being honest with yourself. Stop lying about your condition because society told you so. We're all responsible for own happiness and if we can't even be honest with ourselves about our own emotions and condition, how are we gonna make ourselves happy?

Kisses,

Dee

Pelakor

What comes into your mind when you read the title?

What kind of feeling you were having when you saw the title before clicking it?

When a woman's having an affair with someone else's husband, we Indonesians usually call her a pelakor (perebut laki orang). Initially, I didn't overthink it. Buat apa mikirin hal seperti itu, rite? It wasn't my business whatsoever.

Tapi ironisnya semakin banyak orang dituding sebagai pelakor cuma karena hal sepele. Lebih ironis lagi karena hanya wanita yang mendapat label pelakor sementara laki-laki hanya digunjingkan sebentar saja. I started to wonder, why? Why do women deserve such a title even though the affair involves two parties? Kenapa gak ada sebutan yang sama untuk laki-laki yang melakukan hal serupa? Kenapa hanya wanita yang menjadi 'tersangka'?

Then I realized that women would be the victim because men are deemed superior and innocent. Women always take the blame, although men are obviously, involved. Menyedihkan, bukan? Wanita yang selalu saja disalahkan.

 

Ketika seorang wanita diperkosa, orang-orang lebih menyalahkan korban (yang mana kebanyakan adalah wanita) dengan alasan pakaiannya terlalu "terbuka" dan "menggiurkan". This act is called victim-blaming and just so you know, it is not cool at all. Jadi, tolong ya itu mulut-mulut jahat yang selalu menyalahkan korban diem aja, or should I throw a pair of stilettos to your face? :)

 

Kembali ke topik utama tentang pelakor. Ketika ada hubungan perselingkuhan, we can't turn a blind eye dan cuma nuduh "ceweknya kegatelan sih". Kenapa? Karena sekalipun wanita yang agresif, perselingkuhan itu tidak akan terjadi kalo si laki-laki adem ayem. Gampangnya gini, let's say wanita itu api dan laki-laki itu bensin. Ketika ada kayu yang terbakar, api itu tidak akan membesar kalo tidak disiram bensin atau minyak tanah. Have you understood it yet? 

Jadi, kesimpulannya, an affair wouldn't happen if men hadn't responded to the flirting. Seagresif apapun wanita yang disebut pelakor itu, jika laki-laki itu tidak memberi respon positif, maka yang namanya perselingkuhan itu tidak akan terjadi. Itu adalah penjelasan paling sederhana yang bisa gue tulis.

Ketika kita menyebut seorang wanita sebagai pelakor, pernahkah kita memikirkan akibatnya? Bagaimana bila wanita itu mempunyai anak? Have we ever thought about that? Karena jika kita berpikiran begitu in the first place, sebutan itu tidak akan pernah eksis. When we call a woman with that name, we are not only ruining her life, we are also ruining her children's lives and innocence. That nickname will be stuck on her wherever she goes and it can traumatize her. Sementara laki-laki yang ikut andil dalam affair tersebut masih tetap bisa tersenyum dan sumawa karena tidak ada nama panggilan untuk dia. Apakah adil? Bertahun-tahun kita semua dibesarkan oleh wanita yang kita sebut ibu, pernahkah terlintas di benak kita semua jika ibu kita yang dipanggil pelakor?

Life is unfair, I know that very well. But labelling someone with a degrading nickname like that meanwhile her partner goes on with his life like nothing happened is just plainly disgusting. Jika memang kita ingin memberi hukuman sosial kepada wanita tersebut, bukankah kita juga harus memberikan hukuman sosial yang sama kepada laki-laki? Wanita sudah cukup merasa malu jika affair mereka ketahuan, tapi kenapa kita harus menambah rasa malu mereka? Sebutan pelakor itu benar-benar merendahkan. Padahal seperti yang kita semua tahu, laki-laki itu memiliki masa puber kedua sedangkan wanita hanya senang apabila diberi perhatian. Often times, I see men are the ones who start an affair. Maka dari itu, jika wanita yang terlibat mempunyai julukan serendah itu, laki-laki pun juga harus diberi julukan.

With all due respect, I'm not writing this to make you hate the men involved in the affair. I'm writing this merely because I'm just so annoyed at people who keep calling someone a pelakor in a relationship but do nothing to their partners.

 

 

Kisses,

Dee