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Recent Thoughts

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It's been so fucking long since my last post. A lot of things have happened during the past 2 years. I'm still working as a freelancer after resigning from my almamater. I was admitted to the mental ward again in 2024 because I had very bad depressive episodes for a few days straight. I ended up staying 4 days at the hospital because I was so distraught that it made people worried about my well-being. I had a boyfriend too, you know? We dated for about 1.5 years until I found out that he was flirty as fuck on Threads. I was okay at first, even though we already planned to be engaged in December (this month LOL), it was better late than never. He started replying to women on Threads since September last year, but I only found out last September. He went on like nothing was wrong for a whole year. When I confronted him, he said that it was a mistake. "Khilaf" in his own words. We lost contact since then. But I recently decided to unfollow wedding vendors; MUA, WO servic...
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Being Fake

 I've been clean from harming myself for 6 years now. But lately, things are getting too loud in my head. All I wanna do is lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't do that, can I? I can't talk about this to my mother either; she will scold me or tell me to pray more. I'm crying while writing this post. Is it wrong to fake my emotions? Since being admitted to a mental hospital last May, I feel like I can't think straight. All I wanna do is die. My thoughts are not about self-harm again. Suicidal thoughts are running wildly on my mind and I can't do anything to stop it. Sure, I have my medications from my psychiatrist, but it doesn't lessen my urge to run to the middle of the road just to get run over by a truck. Everything hurts. Not physically, of course. My mind keeps telling me just how unworthy I actually am. I don't deserve to be loved, that's why men always left me hanging. Let's be honest, yeah? Who would like to be seen ...
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Dengarkan saja!

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Terkadang, kita gak perlu banyak orang buat ngasih berjuta saran dan solusi. Kita cuma butuh seseorang yang mau mendengarkan cerita kita dari awal sampe akhir. Cerita sedih, bahagia, bimbang, semuanya. Karena kelegaan sebenarnya bukan berasal dari saran yang mereka berikan, kelegaan itu berasal dari perhatian mereka saat mendengarkan cerita kita. Di jaman yang serba maju ini, kita bisa mudah mendengarkan curhatan seseorang melalui berbagai media. Via telepon atau video call , misalnya. Meskipun tidak ada skinship, kita tetap bisa mendengarkan cerita orang lain. Tapi sayangnya, kemudahan ini justru sering dijadikan alasan untuk menganggap remeh cerita seseorang. Sebagai contoh, ketika kita sedang curhat dengan seoirang teman namun dia malah sibuk sendiri dengan ponselnya. Sebel. Kesel. Kecewa. Tapi nggak bisa ngapa - ngapain.  Mending nggak usah cerita sekalian daripada lagi serius - seriusnya cerita eh malah enggak diperhatiin gitu. As a survivor myself , it is still hard to find s...
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(Boy) friend

Monday morning. Dua kata yang cukup menyebalkan bagi Jack ketika bangun tidur hari ini. Dia benci Senin pagi, siang, sore, dan malam. Intinya dia benci hari Senin. He groaned out loud when he realized that Mr. Frederick, one of the most killer teacher, will be taking Mr. Andrew's position today because he has family issues back in his hometown . Sialnya lagi, Mr. Andrew mengajar matematika yang berarti ia harus bertemu Mr. Frederick yang notabene guru pengganti selama dua jam penuh. "Jack! It's six already ! Bangun dan segera mandi atau aku tidak mau mengantarmu sekolah!" Suara Mrs. Harris terdengar cukup keras dari kamar Jack— pertanda bahwa kesabaran ibunya sudah mulai habis. "Kamu juga belum sarapan. Don't make me go upstairs and throw water on your face. You hear me, young man ?" Sungguh bukan awal yang baik. " Yeah, mom . Aku dengar semuanya, oke? Tunggu lima belas menit lagi dan aku akan turun," balasnya sembari berjalan menuju...
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