Recent Thoughts

It's been so fucking long since my last post. A lot of things have happened during the past 2 years. I'm still working as a freelancer after resigning from my almamater. I was admitted to the mental ward again in 2024 because I had very bad depressive episodes for a few days straight. I ended up staying 4 days at the hospital because I was so distraught that it made people worried about my well-being.

I had a boyfriend too, you know? We dated for about 1.5 years until I found out that he was flirty as fuck on Threads. I was okay at first, even though we already planned to be engaged in December (this month LOL), it was better late than never. He started replying to women on Threads since September last year, but I only found out last September. He went on like nothing was wrong for a whole year. When I confronted him, he said that it was a mistake. "Khilaf" in his own words. We lost contact since then. But I recently decided to unfollow wedding vendors; MUA, WO services, etc. Ya Allah, it hurt so bad that I ended up falling asleep after crying the whole night in my room. I truly wish no one around me would ever experience. 

He apologized, yes, but he made no efforts to make amends. That was the last straw. I finally broke up with him because of that. He never contacts me again after our breakup, which makes me think that I am unworthy of love in the first place. Adulting is such a shit phase. I hate this so much.

Life lately has been tiring. My brother got married, which made many of my family members ask me when I will be married. They don't know that I just had a bad breakup. It got so awkward a few times after they asked me that (which I only replied with an awkward laugh). My mum and father never really voice out their concern about my status, but I know deep down they're hoping that I could get married soon because I'll turn 30 next year.

Honestly speaking, I'm starting to bury the plan to get married because I won't be married, maybe ever. Sounds pessimistic, I know, but let's review the facts that are presented in front of me. I got micro-cheated, been SAd, and still have depression on top of that. Also, let's not forget how big I actually am. I'm weighing at 100 kg as of today, even though I do intermittent fasting daily. I'm not beautiful either.

The fact that I'm still alive and breathing until this second is a miracle itself. I relapsed once in 2024, and I made a few cuts on my arms again. Nobody knew this except my psychiatrist. And although I wasn't admitted to the ER or mental ward this year, I did have a few serious depressive episodes. It got to the point where I feel ashamed to tell people about these episodes. Like, people already have their own problems in life; there is no need for me to tell my crazy episodes or suicide plans to them. Instead of weighing them down, I should probably lessen their burden by taking my own life. Unhealthy thought again, but you know what? Right now, I don't even see my future. I've been thinking over any options that I could use to end this all.