Pelakor

What comes into your mind when you read the title?

What kind of feeling you were having when you saw the title before clicking it?

When a woman's having an affair with someone else's husband, we Indonesians usually call her a pelakor (perebut laki orang). Initially, I didn't overthink it. Buat apa mikirin hal seperti itu, rite? It wasn't my business whatsoever.

Tapi ironisnya semakin banyak orang dituding sebagai pelakor cuma karena hal sepele. Lebih ironis lagi karena hanya wanita yang mendapat label pelakor sementara laki-laki hanya digunjingkan sebentar saja. I started to wonder, why? Why do women deserve such a title even though the affair involves two parties? Kenapa gak ada sebutan yang sama untuk laki-laki yang melakukan hal serupa? Kenapa hanya wanita yang menjadi 'tersangka'?

Then I realized that women would be the victim because men are deemed superior and innocent. Women always take the blame, although men are obviously, involved. Menyedihkan, bukan? Wanita yang selalu saja disalahkan.

 

Ketika seorang wanita diperkosa, orang-orang lebih menyalahkan korban (yang mana kebanyakan adalah wanita) dengan alasan pakaiannya terlalu "terbuka" dan "menggiurkan". This act is called victim-blaming and just so you know, it is not cool at all. Jadi, tolong ya itu mulut-mulut jahat yang selalu menyalahkan korban diem aja, or should I throw a pair of stilettos to your face? :)

 

Kembali ke topik utama tentang pelakor. Ketika ada hubungan perselingkuhan, we can't turn a blind eye dan cuma nuduh "ceweknya kegatelan sih". Kenapa? Karena sekalipun wanita yang agresif, perselingkuhan itu tidak akan terjadi kalo si laki-laki adem ayem. Gampangnya gini, let's say wanita itu api dan laki-laki itu bensin. Ketika ada kayu yang terbakar, api itu tidak akan membesar kalo tidak disiram bensin atau minyak tanah. Have you understood it yet? 

Jadi, kesimpulannya, an affair wouldn't happen if men hadn't responded to the flirting. Seagresif apapun wanita yang disebut pelakor itu, jika laki-laki itu tidak memberi respon positif, maka yang namanya perselingkuhan itu tidak akan terjadi. Itu adalah penjelasan paling sederhana yang bisa gue tulis.

Ketika kita menyebut seorang wanita sebagai pelakor, pernahkah kita memikirkan akibatnya? Bagaimana bila wanita itu mempunyai anak? Have we ever thought about that? Karena jika kita berpikiran begitu in the first place, sebutan itu tidak akan pernah eksis. When we call a woman with that name, we are not only ruining her life, we are also ruining her children's lives and innocence. That nickname will be stuck on her wherever she goes and it can traumatize her. Sementara laki-laki yang ikut andil dalam affair tersebut masih tetap bisa tersenyum dan sumawa karena tidak ada nama panggilan untuk dia. Apakah adil? Bertahun-tahun kita semua dibesarkan oleh wanita yang kita sebut ibu, pernahkah terlintas di benak kita semua jika ibu kita yang dipanggil pelakor?

Life is unfair, I know that very well. But labelling someone with a degrading nickname like that meanwhile her partner goes on with his life like nothing happened is just plainly disgusting. Jika memang kita ingin memberi hukuman sosial kepada wanita tersebut, bukankah kita juga harus memberikan hukuman sosial yang sama kepada laki-laki? Wanita sudah cukup merasa malu jika affair mereka ketahuan, tapi kenapa kita harus menambah rasa malu mereka? Sebutan pelakor itu benar-benar merendahkan. Padahal seperti yang kita semua tahu, laki-laki itu memiliki masa puber kedua sedangkan wanita hanya senang apabila diberi perhatian. Often times, I see men are the ones who start an affair. Maka dari itu, jika wanita yang terlibat mempunyai julukan serendah itu, laki-laki pun juga harus diberi julukan.

With all due respect, I'm not writing this to make you hate the men involved in the affair. I'm writing this merely because I'm just so annoyed at people who keep calling someone a pelakor in a relationship but do nothing to their partners.

 

 

Kisses,

Dee

Untitled

It's been a long time.

Most of my readers probably know me in real life. And to be honest, writing this post took so much courage from myself.

I've been diagnosed with Cervical Syndrome. It's not deadly but the pain is really unbearable. Whenever my shoulders acting up, I often found myself crying in silence. I've always been a burden to those around me and after discovering my illness, I feel like I become even more dependent. I hate feeling so useless and need help from other people but at the same time, I need it. I can't drive my own motorcycle for too long so I need my brother to take me to the hospital everytime my shoulders acting up.

I want to get a stable job so I can help my mom paying her debt but with my condition, I don't even have the confidence to apply to any companies. So, once again, I'm a burden.

I always want happiness in my life, as simple as that. But with my health and how messy my family is.. I doubt it will happen anytime soon. I'm not a patient person but I think I've been patient enough to get to where I am now.

My cousin's marriage is just a week and half away so I'm trying my best to hold on until then. But the thing is that I made a promise with myself. If things don't get better next year, I will probably be gone, for good. But if it does get better, I will stay.

I'm just a burden anyway. No one will miss me if I'm gone, right?

I've been cutting for a few years now and it's not like I do nothing to get better. I did. I reached out to an online community but they only replied to my e-mail once and that's it. I asked a doctor to get a reference letter to go to the psychatrist but all I got was a long lecture about how I should have more faith in God. It was really humiliating and dear God, I don't want to do that anymore. I also came clean to my mom and dad but they did nothing. So, I guess, I'm really not important. Based on those responses, I told myself that I will see a psychiatrist with my own money but as it turned out, the price is too expensive for a jobless fresh graduate like me.

Mental illnesses are still considered taboo. Those who go to the psychologist or psychiatrist are considered 'crazy' in literal meaning. Maybe, just maybe, if I go, people around me will start to consider them as important as physical ilnesses.

To those who stay by my side even after I told you my dark thoughts, I salute you. And to those who left me, thank you to spare your time to know me, to talk to me.

Hah. I feel like I'm writing a letter.

To Those Who May Concern

Hello, it's been so long since my last post here.

I was stuck in a deep hole and so confused about life for the past few weeks. I know some of you may think "all of us have problems too" and I'm not gonna deny that. But mine is a lot more complicated than that.

I've been feeling down for quite a while before finally I decided to start another #100happydays challenge on my Instagram. It's not daily post, because, well.. I can't have happy days without down days, can I? But I do post something when I feel my day has been okay.

Also, I finally came clean to my mom about my self-harming habit. I really thought she was gonna do something about it but instead, I got a long lecture how I should pray more and more just so I can get better. After that, I told her to just forget it. A few days later, I tried to get a recommendation letter from a general doctor to go to a psychiatrist and seek help to get rid all of these voices inside of my head. But what I got was a long lecture about how I'm not closer enough to Allah and blah blah, basically she said the same thing as my mom. And really, it's tiring to hear everything being connected to your religion. So, I told her I don't need it anymore and bury it deep.

Those who know me well must know that I've always tried to hide my true feelings and bottle up everything. So, when something blows up right in front of my face, it's easier to cry and not tell anyone else. I don't really want to be a burden for someone else, hence my hesitance of telling something as private as those.

My suicidal thoughts keep coming back and haunting my life as soon as I open my eyes. On my up days, these thoughts are so easy to slide aside. But when my down days come.... I literally thought about killing myself if it can make people around me be happy. I keep feeling like I'm a failure and deserves nothing but dead.

I try so hard to fight those demons. So hard that I easily tire myself out. But, do people know about my battle? No, they don't.

What they do know though, is that Dee is someone bright, cheerful, and always smiling even though she's awkward on so many occations. They don't know how hard it is to fake a smile throughout the day when all I wanna do is crawling up to bed to sleep and not be bothered by anyone for the whole day.

For now, though, I'm okay.

My life got messier ever since I graduated uni, including my own family. Thus, I really miss my uni years where I could laugh freely without any care in the whole world.

I've been clean for two months, too! This is a huge achievement and I'm proud of the fact that I keep surviving even though my world has just crumbled down right in front of my eyes.

Kisses,

Dee

Don't kill my dreams, please..

Life is confusing and cruel.

Ever since I was in primary school, I always had a dream to begin with. Although it changed like every year, at least I have one stable thing about life. Strangely enough, no matter what it was, I always put my parents first.

When I was in middle school, I started to like English as my second language along with so many English songs. And then I started to dream about going abroad, be it for working or studying or even just travelling. That dream grew bigger when I was in high school. I remember reading English novels and watching so many movies with English subtitle just because I wanted to expand my vocabularies. I would pause a movie when I didn't understand a word to search it up on the dictionary. I also started writing short stories in English. It wasn't because I had to do it, nobody asked me to do such a thing. I was willingly to do that because I enjoyed it (and Allah knows I still do).

Back then, I was so happy about that dream and I intended to do just that.

I just graduated from uni as a Bachelor of Literature. And I still remember how passionate I was. You could ask my classmates about it. I even wrote an English short story for one of my class for four hours straight.

When one of my lecturers read about this blog and my weekly journals, he said I was good. He even told me to keep dreaming big and aiming for Master's scholarship. And those who know me surely know that I was really keen to continue my study abroad.

I started gathering information about it, online or not.

A few weeks before my graduation, I told my parents about it. I also told them about taking a few months off to gather as many information as I could. They agreed to it as long as I got a full-ride scholarship. I was still content with it.

But a month after that, I set my mind on one scholarship which already closed on February. I told my mom about that and her reply.... I still remember the exact sentences that shatter my dreams into pieces.

"Dek, ibuk mung ngomong, ojo nesu lho ya. Daripada ngganggur, kenapa gak nyari kerja aja dulu? Siapa tau kamu bisa ketemu jodoh?"

(I want to say something but don't get mad, alright? How about you looking for a job? Who knows you will meet your soulmate/partner?)

I joked around with my friends and said that I didn't think too much about it. But in all honesty, I do think about it and you know what? It hurts. All of my life, I've been wanting to make my parents proud of me. I want them to look me, pat my head slowly and say, "You did a good job. We're so proud of you." It may sound silly to other people but it would mean a lot for me if they've ever said that.

"Of course you'd be the first, there are only 9 students in your class"

"You could've scored better and be the first rather than third"

"Why are you always losing to that girl? You should be the first in your class"

"You got into the science class but why are your grades on the brink of failing?"

"You got B for Religion? You should've gotten A, you're embarrassing"

They didn't say anything even though I graduated with a high GPA. And after hearing my mom said that.. I feel like it was all useless. Why did I was so keen to make them proud? I shouldn't even study that hard, it seems unnecessary now because they only want me to be married.

I'm only 21. I still want to learn so many things in life. I want to have more experiences before I finally settle in. I know that I will end up as a wife someday but I want to do so many things before that happen.

I know you both love me but please, mom.. please, dad..

Don't kill my dreams.

 With love,

 Dee

Tolerance

I've been dying to write something on my blog after so long! 

Hi, readers!!

Sorry for not writing sooner. I had to finish up my thesis first so I can graduate this year (you read that right, YA GIRL IS GRADUATING!). I had a lot of revising to do, hence my absence. But, well, even though it's not over yet ('cuz I still have to write an effin' journal), I can finally breathe. 

Enough of that. Tema tulisan gue kali ini bukan tentang skripsweet kok.

I know that many of you think tolerance is important in our society. The question is; have you applied the said tolerance in your daily life? Toleransi emang kelihatannya gampang, simple. Padahal sebenernya toleransi itu bukan hal yang mudah bagi sebuah bangsa yang terdiri dari berbagai macam latar belakang seperti Indonesia. Pastilah ada yang namanya pengucilan. Alasannya sepele, karena mereka nggak sepaham sama kita.

I am a muslim and I admit that I have more privilege simply just because of my religion. Mayoritas penduduk Indonesia beragama Islam, artinya yang beragama selain itu secara otomatis mendapat lebih sedikit hak dalam hal beragama. Bingung, ya? Then let me explain through an example below.

Ketika hari raya, kami para umat muslim melakukan sholat sunnah Eid tidak hanya di masjid, tapi di lapangan-lapangan milik publik. Kenapa? Karena itulah sunnahnya (sunnah: dikerjakan mendapat pahala, tidak dikerjakan pun tidak apa-apa). Tidak ada yang menghalangi kami pada hari-hari 'kemenangan' tersebut.

Bulan Desember lalu, gue kaget waktu denger KKR Natal dibubarkan secara paksa di Bandung. Massa yang mengaku sebagai 'pembela' itu ngotot kalo kegiatan tersebut tidak memiliki ijin sampai malam. Kalo memang iya, fine, mungkin memang acara tersebut pantas dibubarkan. Tapi kenapa harus ada embel-embel yang lain? Kenapa massa merasa wajib membawa spanduk bertuliskan "Masyarakat Muslim Jabar meminta kegiatan KKR pindah ke tempat yang telah disediakan (gereja) bukan di tempat umum" ketika mereka meminta panitia membubarkan acara?

I was so upset to know what went down in Bandung. Why? Kenapa harus segitunya? Apa hanya karena mereka bukan termasuk golongan mayoritas? Venue acara pun merupakan tempat umum, dan para panitia pun menyatakan bahwa mereka sudah mendapat surat tanda terima pemberitahuan dari kepolisian yang menjadi bukti bahwa mereka sudah menyampaikan untuk melakukan kegiatan sampai malam hari.

Katakanlah panitia berbohong dan mereka memang tidak memiliki ijin. Toh massa bisa membubarkan kegiatan ini secara baik-baik, bukan? Mereka nggak harus bikin spanduk macam itu, kan?

They asked them to do their event at the churches? Dude, KKR kan nggak terjadi tiap minggu. Kalo emang mereka mau menggunakan tempat umum ya silahkan, you have no right to stop them unless they don't have the permit. Coba kalo kegiatan hari itu dilakukan oleh kaum mayoritas dan mereka memang menggunakan venue lebih lama dari pemberitahuan yang mereka ajuin. Gue yakin banget hal serupa nggak akan terjadi.

Sampai disini, you get what I was trying to say, rite? 

Gue akan dengan lantang bilang gue memiliki hak lebih cuma karena agama yang gue anut. Tapi apakah gue harus setuju? The answer is no. Gue pengen semua WNI diperlakukan sama tanpa memandang SARA. I've seen enough discrimination in my own society karena emang beberapa temen deket gue non-muslim. But do you know that I've never heard they complain about it? Not even once.

Waktu jaman SMA, temen-temen gue yang non-muslim gak pernah absen nungguin gue dan yang lain sholat Dzuhur sepulang sekolah. Mereka bisa aja pulang duluan tanpa nungguin kita. Tapi nyatanya mereka rela nunggu supaya bisa pulang bareng. Waktu ada tugas kelompok pun, mereka nggak segan ngingetin kita buat sholat. Yang paling gue inget adalah mereka ikutan puasa waktu bulan Ramadhan atas dasar toleransi semata. Mereka nggak peduli kalo puasa Ramadhan nggak ada arti dan pahalanya bagi mereka.

My friends always (tolong diinget kata selalu ya) send me a message whenever Eid comes around. Pesannya singkat tapi bermakna. That's why I've always been sensitive when someone says I can't say 'merry christmas' to a Christian. Apalagi ada yang bilang ngucapin selamat natal itu sama artinya dengan auto-murtad. Wtf bruh, do you really think it's easy to change religions?!

Here's a little fact; just because I send a Christmas greeting/message doesn't mean I believe in their religion. Bukan berarti gue percaya atas kelahiran Yesus. That's not the point. Mereka juga tau kok gue ngirim pesan itu semata-mata karena gue ngehormati mereka dan agama mereka. Jadi, kenapa seseorang bisa auto-murtad cuma karena itu?

If you still believe in auto-murtad.. get the hell outta here. 

People say they hate Trump because he is racist. Jika kita selalu membeda-bedakan orang cuma karena agama atau suku mereka, apa bedanya kita dengan Trump? Aren't we the same species as him?

Please, please stop disrespecting people who are not from a same crowd as you. I believe you will not go to hell just because you tolerate them.

Kisses,

Dee 

Expectation(s)

Hi, believe it or not I have lots of notes that are waiting to be uploaded. Every time I start writing something, it always ends up in my draft folder. Sorry for being busy in the past couple of months..

After losing my cousin, I felt like nothing even mattered anymore. Crying has been one of the things I do often lately. My chest is heavy like all the time and I've run out creative ideas. I don't want the depression coming back into my life but right now, I feel like it's ghosting around me.. waiting to be greeted.

In my whole life, I always worry about stupid things. I worry about my grades, my family, my friends, my work, I even worry about how people look at me. Even though my mum says I shouldn't think too much about people's perception of me.

Too bad I can't control it.

People have always had high expectations when it comes to life.

I was often in the top ten in class while I was in school. From the first moment I got my A, my family expects me to get the best grades. My dad would be really angry if my grades are dropping even just a little bit. I know I should be grateful because that means he cares about my education but I can't help but thinking, what if I weren't as good as I am now?

I mean, I'm not a perfect human being but at least I still have a few skills I'm proud of having. Still.. sometimes I wonder what'll my family do if I were a different person.

Most people say that I'm friendly and easygoing. They told me over and over that I should be happy to have that kind of personality. What they don't know is that I am grateful. It just.. having that personality makes people have expectations about me.

People expect a girl like me should have more friends and cheerful all the damn time. But what sucks the most is that they expect me to be okay even after they hurt and used me. You have no idea how much energy I use to get over the fact that people aren't always good; they are bad people running around as well.

I'm not saying that expecting things is bad in general. I'm writing this post because I just think everyone should understand that knowing someone should make us not have various expectations about him/her. If they are good at one thing then what? What will happen is not our business, it's purely theirs.

I want to scream loudly just so people will stop expect things from me.

I'm literally crying and begging them to stop it because I'm tired.

I'm tired of fulfilling their expectations and being a punch bag when I fail. I'm tired living up to the high expectations of the others.

It's too early for this. I have to continue writing my undergrad thesis anyway. So, I will go for now.

Kisses

Dee

Dear Uchi...

Assalamualaikum, Chi.

It's been exactly two months since you left us. I have to say, the first month was the hardest month I've ever been through. And then I make myself busy this month just so I can make you proud of me for moving on with my own life. I'd never understood the whole experience of losing someone because I still got both of my parents and my brother. But losing you last month, losing a cheerful little cousin I dearly love was too painful to even begin with.

I wish I could've taken you to places. I wish you didn't have to go through all of those painful days at the hospital. You have no idea how many wishes I have just so I could see your pretty face again. I miss seeing your bright smiles, I miss hearing your contagious laughs. I just really really miss you.

I still remember the last few days we spent together at the hospital. You wanted me to sing lullabies to you. It was really odd because usually, you couldn't stand any noise. Perahu Kertas by Maudy Ayunda, remember that? And then you told me to sing Nina Bobo with your name in it. I laughed for a bit but I sang it anyway because you were too cute and I just wanted you to sleep soundly. That was a beautiful memory I will never forget. I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

I know you, little munchkin. You would've wanted us to move on with our lives. Hell, even in your last day on earth, you wanted us to keep smiling and not crying.. at least not in front of you. You were literally the real sun in this dull life.

Can I say that I was too excited to spend the holiday with you?

It's true, you know. You told me that you would bring lots of snacks after you finished school and watch Running Man with me afterward. I was looking forward to that. But then again, we can't have everything in life, can we?


The wound is still fresh and I can't tell anyone because it will open up their freshly-healed wound. There are times where I hope this is just an awful dream; a nightmare that will disappear when I wake up. And then I realise that it's not a dream. This is reality. We lost you, I lost you.

Dek Uchi, we weren't that close and I regret that I never tried harder to get close to you. It just hurts when people say that I look a lot like you. I know that they mean it in a good way but hearing them say that sentence makes me wonder what would happen if I were the one who passed away instead of you. Maybe it would be less painful for our family because I'm really not an important member in it. You are loved by so many people in your life and I can't stop thinking that Allah is too cruel to take you away from us. I feel like it should be me, not you. We love you unconditionally, now and forever.

Rest in peace, Chi. Mbak Dina loves you no matter what happens.

Wassalamualaikum,
Dina Fadiah