Coming out of an episode

Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this, but I need to pour out what I've been feeling without making other people uncomfortable.

Things have been crazy. My last post was written when I was still in a bad headspace, and it was probably one of my worst depressive episodes I've had for the past 2 years. I was in a depressive state for like a week straight. I snapped too hard to the point that I might hurt my mother's feelings. I told her how I felt all this time. I guess part of me had had enough of how my own family trampled on my feelings and expected me to be okay with that. But, how could I?

When I was a kid, I used to get beaten and yelled at almost every day because my father got so stressed out at work. Even when I got a perfect score on my exams, I was still at fault. My childhood was so full of expectations. I had to be the best at everything, and I did. I ranked 1st almost every semester during my primary school. I graduated 2nd in middle school, which, obviously, wasn't satisfying enough for my parents. When I got rejected from my dream high school, my father got so mad and let me choose whatever. I then had another plan in my mind, but it was no use because my mother suddenly brought me to her former school. My grades in high school were not that bad, but they sure couldn't satisfy both of my parents. Then I joined 3 extracurricular activities. I even won 3rd at a competition, but it still wasn't enough. After graduating high school, I wanted to enroll in the English major, too bad my father was against that. So, I took other majors but ended up failing the test (SNMBTN). I then enrolled in another college. After studying for so long and being tested twice, I was accepted. I told myself that it was okay because I wanted to study health too. But 2 days before the due date for my tuition fee payment, my parents told me that there was not enough money. I buried another dream. What else was new? After crushing that dream, I was told to choose any major at any university as long as the tuition fee was cheap.

I started university by taking buses and walking. I knew that my mother borrowed money from my aunt. To help out, I started working part-time jobs in my 3rd semester. I could help them a bit with my salary. Never have I ever asked my parents to pay me back. Even when I was working, I made sure that their monthly needs were met by paying for monthly groceries.

Before I resigned, I made sure I had 10 million in my bank account to live on until I have another job again. I was so naive hahaha. That money was gone because the one who paid for the monthly groceries was me. My brother did nothing, yet my parents said nothing. And now I only work as a freelancer, yet they see it like I'm a burden because I did nothing.

The whole thing got me so depressed to the point I texted my psychiatrist to admit me to the mental ward again, behind my family. Too bad, the hospital needs a family member's consent. But I truly had no will to live a week ago. The depressive episode was THAT bad. But now I'm slowly coming out of it and got confused. Why did I say those things to my mother? I should've kept it hidden away somewhere in my brain. I shouldn't have typed those hurtful things, calling my brother a favorite child.. I mean, he's a son, and I'm only a daughter. What did I expect? There's no special treatment for daughters in Asia.

Coming out of such a deep depressive episode is such an overwhelming feeling. I want to talk it out with my mother, but seeing her face still makes me sad. I still want to cry every time I think about the treatments I get as the youngest daughter in this household. Like, why? I'm so tired of having suicidal thoughts every now and then just because I'm a woman in her late 20s who still doesn't have a stable income.