Friday Letter (3)

Dear friend,

I had a crazy week. It started when I had this fight with one of my bestfriend and then the others just kind of involed. But then we made up and we're good now. Then I met up with some of my bestfriends from high school, Anita and Ziah. It was really good to see them even it was just 2 hours of chatting nonsense. I'm looking forward to meet them more often, really.

To be honest, I'm kind of happy right now and I don't know why. It just feels right. One of my bestfriend from high school, Ekka (who I often call as Emak or Bunda) just got in to the police academy. I am truly happy for her. She'd been spent her entire year to get in shape and now she got in to the academy. I'm not saying this because I'm envy, no. The truth is I'm just so glad she got in, it was her dream.

College was fine this week. I came late almost everyday because the main road is being repaired but other than that, it's all good. Maybe it was because we had 2 days off? I don't know and I don't care.

I have a plan to go to One Direction's concert next year in Jakarta with two of my very good friends, Dyas and Mtri. The online tickets will be sold next Monday and I really hope we can get 3 tribune tickets (it is the cheapest ones).

My brother and I's relationship is on the mend. It's good, you know? We've fought a lot when we were kids and maybe we both now understand that our parents only have us. If we keep fighting againts each other, who's gonna take care of them?

I think what makes me happy for the last few days is what Adhita said on Tuesday:

"You keep saying you love us. But whatever it is, we love you even more. That's why we don't like it when you cut, that's the reason why we make you promise not to do it again. Don't ever say you can't do something if you never tried. You always encouraging me to speak up a bit more, now is my chance to tell you the same thing. If you can't tell us what you're feeling then write it, pass it to us. That way we know what you're feeling. Don't just bottle it up, okay?"

Maybe it wasn't exactly like that but the point is.. I'm happy. I truly am.

Have a good day.

Dina

I need someone..

I want to tell my parents. I really do. But I can’t.

I can’t imagine what my mom’s gonna feel if I tell her that her only one daughter is suicidal. It just.. I don’t know, I don’t want want to hurt her. She is my most favorite person in the whole world. And to think she’ll be hurt by just telling that.. I rather keep my mouth shut.

Some people would like to tell the others about how they feel. But I just can’t. I keep lying to everyone and saying “I’m okay” most of times. Yeah, I probably should stop doing that.

Do you know what worse than not having a single friend?

To be ignored by everyone you love. That’s really bad. I mean, I care about them. Maybe I just wrong. I always thinking that everyone has positive side, I also love too much. It’s like I’ve put a piece of my heart in their hands. And when they ignoring me, I feel like they just throw my heart away. It seems like no one appreciates my love for them. And it hurts so much. It hurts me mentally. Maybe you can't see it but I'm sure feel it.

Everytime I build up my walls, there are always some people who succeded tear it down just to break my heart all over again. These voices in my head can’t stop. I keep hearing voices that always telling me to die. I’m not worth it, it’s better for me to go all alone.

I know I’m not supposed to do this again. But I just can’t help my self. Self-harm helps me a lot. It decreases the pain I feel from reality. It’s my voiceless scream. Knowing that people would be happy if I die.. maybe I have to do it someday.

I just really need someone to talk right now.

But my family is busy organizing my uncle’s 7-days-post-death while my friends have been ignoring me for the last 3 days. I have no one to talk to. I’m sorry.

Dina

Friday Letter (2)

Dear friend,

I need to write something. It's like I can go crazy without writing these down.

Did you ever feel like everyone blaming you for everything? I mean, not everyone, maybe just people around you that declared them selves as your closest friends. Why is life can't be fair? It is hurts enough to hear or know what people really think about you.

Maybe this letter is kind of nonsense, I'm sorry. I just feel so mad and upset and sad, I don't even know how that can happen. Mixed emotions. The thing is everyone, every-fucking-one, expects me to be honest. They want me to tell them about what I truly feel. When in fact, I can't.

I'm so used to this, you know? Bottle up everything and just take it for my self so people won't see me as a miserable bitch who needs attention. I need attention, yes, of course I do. I'm a human too, I have feelings. But it seems like everyone thinks it is okay to step on them, to hurt my feelings.

I love too much, and I hope too much from everyone. That's why it hurts so much when they let me down. I try to be there for anyone, everyone that I care of, but when I need them -bam! They're gone. That thought leads me to this question; do they really love me, care about me?

How about you? I really hope you won't make people be your priority when you're just being an option for them.

Gosh, after everything I did for them, I just think someone would throw me a bone for once. Not literally. People just see me as this person who's cheerful and all smiling which actually I'm not. Or maybe I just so good with my cover? You know, mask the real me?

But I'm too naive. 

You never know what people think about you. And it really hurts when someone says something bad, or they tell you what they think of you this ENTIRE time. I'm sorry, I just so mad at my self. Why am I so stupid?

I hope you had a good day.


Dina

A thin line called hospital

Alright, let me break it down to you.

I hate hospital, period.

It just so not me. I mean, I know I'm depressed sometimes, but hospitals? I hate them with passion. Hospitals are full of worried people with down faces, tears, there also a lot of mourning people. It's noisy, not a good noisy of course, it's kind of annoying sounds. The smell isn't nice, it just like when you go to the pharmacies and you can smell all that medicines- it just not good. It's also rush, like, everything just 'snap! snap! snap!'. We can lose something in the blink of the eyes.

White colour is everywhere. The walls, the coats, the floors, almost everything! Isn't white supposed to be a relaxing colour? Then why do I feel like it's not? It's funny because people believe the doctors can heal anything. For God's sake, they're not God. They're just goddamn doctors! Yes, they do know a lot about health and all that stuff but when God decides something, we just gotta take it.

I used to dream to be a doctor but then I realized, it costs a lot of money. So, I gave up on that dream and choose a new one. Mungkin beberapa orang akan bingung sama judul postingan gue kali ini. Kenapa tiba - tiba gue buat postingan dengan tema yang mungkin nyeleneh dan beda dari yang udah - udah?

One of my friend's dad passed away this morning. Ya, pagi ini. Dan karena rumah kami yang berdekatan, tentu saja kami deket (meski nggak terlalu deket). He was such a good man. I swear to God, what I wrote here is the truth. Yang nggak gue ngerti adalah beliau mengalami sakaratul maut tepat di detik - detik terakhir ulang tahun gue. I mean, it supposed to be a happy day for me but it wasn't, really.

I hate to see people die. Especially people who live around me. And what worse than that is to see their families crying. Last night my family took my friend and her sister to the hospital, they said it was an emergency. Beliau ada di UGD. My parents went to see him but I wasn't allowed to go in there. "Kamu nggak akan kuat," kata bapak. I saw my friend crying, I saw her little sister crying when the adults were talking about his health problem. To be perfectly honest, I wanted to cry too. I wanted to hug them and tell them it's gonna be okay but I couldn't do it.

It was too depressing for me until I decided to stay in the car until we went home.

There is a thin line between dying and death. A very thin line, if I could say. And that line is called hospital. We bring sick people to the hospitals with a hope they'll be cured. We hope the doctors who know a lot about health can help them to be healthy again. But sometimes we forget something; it's God who decides everything. Manusia bisa mencoba semua cara, tapi Tuhan tetap yang menentukan.

My prayer goes to his family. And I really hope my friend's little sister can do her national exams tomorrow.

I know I just turned 18 yesterday but I also learned something important in my first day being an 18-year-old. We never know what's gonna happen to us in the future, maybe we will lose something someone we love but maybe, they will lose us. You know, we don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow- heck, we don't even know what will happen next minute! But we sure have hope.

Movies will probably make most people think like this, "oh, okay. We lost someone and we move on. That's easy thing to do". It's not. Especially when you lost someone who close enough to know all your secret, your dark side..

I always freak out whenever I heard someone who close to me had been rushed into the hospital. Hospital scares me. What if they die in there? What if I didn't have time to say good bye? And any other "what if's" questions keep running on my mind.

I think that's enough for today. I gotta go to bed. It's late and I have classes tomorrow morning.

Dina

Friday Letter (1)

Hello, apa kabar?

Gue baru aja selesai baca novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower yang bener - bener nyentuh banget. I highly suggest you all to read the novel even though you've watched the movie. Dan dari situ gue udah mutusin buat ngebuat Friday Letter. Jadi setiap hari Jum'at, gue bakal nulis surat yang entah buat siapa di blog ini. Hal ini gue lakuin semata - mata karena ini bisa jadi semacam terapi pribadi buat gue supaya nggak terlalu memendam emosi.

Semua surat bakal diawali dengan Dear friend. This is my first time so, idk. Enjoy?

*****

Dear friend,

My name is Dina. It's sounds 'dee-na' because I live in Indonesia. And I'll tell you one thing about my country; it is nice but it is not too nice. I wrote this letter because I don't know what to do to find some release for all my emotions. I constantly have this breakdowns and I often cry and I just don't know how to deal with them. Maybe writing letters like this could help..

I've built my walls again. It's not like my friends don't want to be there for me because in fact, they do. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have them, to be able to call them my bestfriends. But the problem is I can't share everything with them when I feel like they don't trust me enough.

In my whole life, I've always been someone who stay quiet about what I actually feel. I mean, of course I tried to open up my self, plenty times. But everytime I open it, people would leave me alone. Miserable. And I guess, I don't want to feel that way again.

The truth is I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Like, I'm only belong to my weird world. Complicated, I know. These demons, I don't know, they somewhat own my soul. I want to scream loud but I can't. My scream for help is as quiet as the blood running through my veins. The other won't feel it except I allow them to touch my wrist.

Everytime I feel down like this, there is a big chance I'm gonna hurt my self or even kill my self. I know this may sound crazy to you but it's not. I mean, yeah maybe they will be sad for a month or two but then they will move on. People will forget about me and I'm pretty sure they'll be happier that way. I'm just.. I feel like a burden to anyone.

I hope you have a good day.

Dina

May? Crap.

How's life, my friends?

I'm sorry for my absence. Last month was such a busy month. Our theatre organization just finished a production entitled "LIT". I was one of the cast. And yeah, it was really difficult to find free time just to write and say hi to all of you. But heeeyy, at least I'm writing now.

Alright so, it's May already..

And the truth is I'm not that excited. I even wish I could skip this month. But then again, I live in the real world. I can't just skip a month like that, can I? 

Why do I want to skip May?

Because I'll turn 18 this month. Okay, some of you maybe confused; why? Honestly? I don't want to get older. I know that my reason is silly but seriously you guys, I really don't want that right at this moment. As I get older, people will expect... things from me. They'll expect me to 'grow up', more wiser, more 'adult'. These things are just.. I don't know. I can't find the exact words for it.

I'm simply happy with who I am now. I don't want people to expect me anything. This may sounds strange to some of you but what I wrote here is true. I've been thinking about this for the whole two months. In my whole life, people would always call me as the childish one. No matter what I do, they would tell me to back off because I'm not old enough to do so. You know, when you hear that every single time you offered to help.. somehow you get use to it.

It just doesn't make sense to me. They want me to 'grow up' but at the same time, they are the ones who say "mind your own business, kid" to me. Why?

Also, I've been having such a hard weeks. There are too many things happened in short period of time. To be perfectly honest, I just not ready to be 18. Or more specifically, I'm not ready to be expected 'things' from people. If I want to change then I will. I don't need anyone to tell me that.

Cheers,

Dina