Broken

Hai!
Udah berapa lama gue nggak nulis? Lama banget kayaknya. Sorry, everytime I started to write something I always ended up delete it accidentally. My bad habit; never saved it first. My fault, I knowwwww, and sorry for that.

Jadi post kali ini sebagian besar udah gue tulis seminggu yang lalu, tapi entah karena alasan apa (gue sendiri juga lupa), gue gagal nyelesein ini seminggu yang lalu. But the truth is what happened a week ago, most likely happened today too. Dan lagi dikarenakan gue barusan pulang dengan keadaan capek yang amat sangat, lapar, dan galau, post kali ini ditulis pake bahasa Indonesia. Apa hubungannya? Ya lo pikir nulis postingan full-English gampang? Gue pribadi lebih sering kena writers block kalo nulis pake bahasa Inggris dibanding bahasa Indonesia. Iya, gue emang anak sastra Inggris tapi bukan berarti tiap postingan harus pake bahasa Inggris (capek mikirnya juga, cuy). Gimana pun juga bahasa Indonesia masih bahasa ibu buat gue.

Hari ini rasanya perasaan gue abis dicampur-aduk. Abis pulang kuliah, gue bareng temen-temen (consist of Je, Bitra, Al, Chafid, and Dita) main ke kost AlBitra. Di kos, gue bisa ketawa-ketiwi sama anak-anak. Bahkan, gue meluk Dita waktu dia nangis (btw, hai Dit! If you read this, I love you so much. Don't ever think no one loves you because the truth is.. you're lovable. It seems impossible to be not in love with you). Iya bener, gue ikut nenangin sohib unyu gue yang satu ini.

P.s.: I wrote this part a week ago.

Sekitar jam 13.30, kita pergi ke kampus atas. Gue ada kumpul UKKI (semacam rohis kalo lo masih duduk di bangku SMA) yang dilanjutin latihan paduan suara. Awalnya, biasa aja. Terus gue iseng nanyain salah satu temen gue yang se-fakultas (sekelas juga!) sama gebetan gue. Kita panggil dia Jack yap.

Gue: eh, hla trus piye si dia-yang-tak-boleh-disebut-namanya-di-blog? Wingi bar ulangtahun to? Rak mbok jaluki traktiran? (Eh, itu gimana si -pip-? Kemarin abis ulangtahun kan? Kamu nggak minta traktiran?)
Jack: mosok? Rak ngerti aku. Tapi deknen wis duwe pacar. Yo mboh deng, wingi ning kelas dieceni terus. (Masa'? Aku nggak tau. Tapi dia udah punya pacar. Tapi nggak tau juga sih, kemarin di kelas diejekin terus.)
Gue: serius? Dieceni karo konco-konco sak kelasmu ngono? Emang pacare sopo? (Serius? Diejekin sama temen-temen sekelasmu gitu? Emang pacarnya siapa sih?)
Jack: he'eh. Tapi yo rak ngerti deng. Kae lho si -pip- sing sering dolan ning kelompoke dewe pas ospek, koncone -pip-. (Iya. Tapi nggak tau juga sih. Itu lho si -pip- yang sering main ke kelompok kita waktu ospek, temennya -pip-.)
Gue: oh, sing kui. (Oh, yang itu.)

Padahal gue nggak ngerti orangnya yang mana. Tapi yaudahlah ya. Intinya gue udah tau.

P.s.: I just wrote this part.

Hari ini hampir sama sih kayak seminggu yang lalu. Bedanya yah hari ini Rabu, sementara kejadian diatas itu hari Kamis minggu lalu.

Balik kuliah ke kost AlBitra (ketambahan temennya Dita, namanya Mega. If you read this, hello to you!). Ketawa lepas kayak biasanya. Daaaaann tibalah saatnya kegalauan dimulai. Gue meluk Dita buat yang kesekian kali (fyi, I'm a hugger. So I don't really mind if you hug me. And Dit, once again if you read this.. I love you. Karena terkadang cuma dengan menangis kamu bisa ngerasain lega) waktu dia nangis.

Padahal kalo boleh jujur, gue lagi sakit juga. Dia-yang-tak-boleh-disebut-namanya udah ngebuat gue berharap, ngeruntuhin tembok yang gue bikin sedemikian rupa tapi setelah tembok itu runtuh dan gue mulai jatuh.. dia malah lari. Gue nggak mau nyebut seseorang PHP (Pemberi Harapan Palsu) tapi kalo dipikir lagi, kayaknya emang sekarang waktu tepat buat bilang, “di-PHP tuh ternyata sakit banget ya.”

I mean, kalo emang dari awal dia nggak ada perasaan ke gue, ngapain ditanggepin? Kenapa ngebuat gue berharap kalo akhirnya dia malah pergi gitu aja tanpa kata perpisahan? Hahahaha sakit banget lho, nang.

Kemarin dia buat status di akun facebook-nya. Nggak usah gue tulis lah ya, intinya dia lagi kasmaran. Ditujuin buat siapa juga gue nggak tau. Kalo kata hati mah pengennya itu buat gue tapi kalo dipikir lagi, that's beyond impossible. Kenapa? Ya kan secara dulu kita SMSan aja setiap menit pasti dibales, interval SMS kita paling lama juga 5 menit. Nah sekarang 30 menit dibales juga udah alhamdulillahnya banget. Jadi yah, nggak mungkin banget lah kalo itu buat gue.

Trus lagi dia salah manggil. Detail? Nggak usah lah, doesn't matter how, yang jelas itu bikin gue tambah hopeless. Semalem gue nangis lagi pas mau tidur (sometimes crying doesn't mean you're weak, it means you've been so strong for way too long), nggak ngerti yang keberapa semenjak gue kenal sama dia. Marah? Nope. Sebel? Enggak. Sedih? A bit. Kecewa? Absolutely. Gue kecewa aja, tega banget dia giniin gue.

I'm broken but you can't see it. I can smile everyday, I'm good at comforting people. But I can't heal the scar you've left me with. It's still there. Lukanya masih mengeluarkan darah, nang. Harapan gue sekarang simple kok; semoga gue bisa lupain dia (it's a must! I can't be sad all the time, can I?). Oh iya, gue juga berharap supaya dia serius sama gebetannya itu. Maksudnya, nggak PHP doang. Biar gue aja yang ngerasain sakitnya ‘jatuh‘ :)

Be careful, nang. Karma still exists. I just don't want you to get karma too soon. Don't worry, I won't hate you, because I would never can hate you. Well, you might be the reason for my pain I still care about you, a lot. I also want to say sorry to you..

Sorry, I often disturbed you with my messages. Sorry for wasted your time. Sorry for hoping too much from you. And last, sorry, for loving you.

Dina

(P.s.: I wrote this post first on 24th Oct, 2013 but then saved it as a draft before continued to write and published this post on 30th Oct, 2013. Just fyi, I hope this post won't confuse you.)

Don't leave me

Holla! Been a while since my last post (I told you about my lost, didn't I?). So, today I'd like to share one of my favorite song from a great female singer who's been my idol since I was in middle school, Demi Devonne Lovato.

For you who don't know her.. it's 2013! (Google it, please.)

So yeah, this song pretty much tells you about what I feel right at this moment, except the part 'kiss' (I don't have my first kiss yet, judge me). I don't want to give rants here in the beginning, so I decided to tell what's this song about in the end of this post, from my opinion, of course.

Demi Lovato - I hate you, don’t leave me

Hey, hey..
Yeah, Yeah..
I hate you, don’t leave me
I feel like, I can’t breathe
Just hold me

Don’t touch me

And I want you to love me
But I need you to trust me
Stay with me

Set me free

But I can’t back down
No I can’t deny that I’m staying now
‘Cause I can’t decide
Confused and scared I am terrified of you

I admit I’m in and out of my head
Don’t listen to a single word I’ve said
Just hear me out,
before you run away
‘Cause I can’t take this pain

I hate you don’t leave me
I hate you don’t leave me
Because I love when you kiss me
I’m pieces, you complete me

But I can’t back down
No I can’t deny that I’m staying now
‘Cause I can’t decide
Confused and scared I am terrified of you

I admit I’m in and out of my head
Don’t listen to a single word I’ve said
Just hear me out, before you run away
‘Cause I can’t take this pain
Noo

I’m addicted to the madness
I’m a daughter of the sadness
I’ve been here too many times before
Been abandoned and I’m scared now
I can’t handle another fall out
I am fragile
Just washed upon the shore

They forget me, don’t see me
When they love me, they leave me

I admit I’m in and out of my head
Don’t listen to a single word I’ve said
Just hear me out, before you run away
‘Cause I can’t take this pain
No I can’t take this pain

I hate you don’t leave me
I hate you please love me

(A/n: this is what I've been thinking lately. This song seriously fits into my situation.)

You came out of nowhere when I already had my walls. I needed three damn years to built it. Those walls, surely, I built that to protect me so I wouldn't fall and break. But with you... you slowly crushing my walls, you made me fall in love with you when actually, I shouldn't.

I was stupid to think you would be there to catch me when I fall. Every single guy I got closer with, they always ended up running away, let me fall and breaking my heart again. It just.. hurts. Like, I promised my self I won't fall again but then you came and acted like you care about me. My mom's been giving me an early warning this time.... sorry mom, I didn't listen to you.

I hate you, I really do. Because you make me fall for you, you make me miss you while you don't miss me at all, you with your smiles.. the way your face crinkles when you laugh, you with your soothing voice. Why? Why did you make me like this? Why did you make me fall for you if you wouldn't be there to catch me? Damn it. I know I was a fool (or maybe I still am), but that doesn't mean you could do that to me.

Excuse you, I'm a human too. I have feeling, mind you. When are you gonna realize; it is NOT okay to play with someone's heart?

Don't leave me. I know I'm an idiot, wished something that would never happen. But please, I like the way you laugh, I like how careful you are when you riding your motorcycle, I like how shy you get around seniors, I like how loyal you are to your friends. The thing is, I like you, I care about you. Don't you ever leave me. My fucked up brain make me told you some of my dark stories. I shouldn't do that and I really hope you won't remember those slipped stories from my mouth.

I've been abandoned soooo many times before and what's Demi says in the song is true; I'm scared. What if you left me without warning? Honestly, I'm tired. Tired of getting hurt again and again.

I hate you, but please, love me.

Trouble

Good morning, my dearest readers!
I really wanted to write a long post, tell you how this week passed. But it seems like God has other plan.

I just lost my laptop's charger, in my campus' mosque. That sounds crazy, isn't it? I don't know, I just felt disappointed. But I was lucky than my senior who lost his laptop.

And because of that, my post will be shorter. I was currently writing from my phone. Sure, I still can write a long one but it won't be that good. Also, it's much easier to write on my laptop.

So, yeah, that's kind of being my big trouble right now.

Today's story

Hello there!

Gimana kabar hari ini? Sudah move on-kah kamu? Belum? Well, cepetan move on deh. Nggak bagus terus-terusan mikirin doi mantan ngeselin yang belum tentu mikirin kamu. #ciyebanget #tumbenbijak #digebukinmassa #alaybangetsihini

Let's forget about what I wrote above...

I'm still in for a good story. Why? Because I'm in a good mood (big yay for that!).

This started when Dita (my new-and-crazy bestfriend in college) asked me to come with her to Tugu Muda monument, to watch our friends acted like heroes (it was really good, I swear, but there was time when I had to hold back my laugh because their silly faces). And because I don't really like to spend my Sunday alone, I agreed.

The thing was.. I can't ride motorcycle, yet. I can, yeah, but not really good like I used to before the accident (yes, I had an accident about four or five years ago. It was pretty bad, I had to rest for total two weeks). That's why I couldn't go out like my friends did, back in my high school years. Sucks, I know.

Then I asked one of my friend to come with me (thankfully he was kind to give me a ride). It was really fun. We took pictures, laughing at my friends' jokes, even we had dinner together. I like this day, I really dooooooooo :)

Thanks, pals! You guys were totally awesome tonight! Hopefully, I could watch you guys performing teatrical action.

Well, I sure hope this will happen often.

Special good night to you,

someone who's making my days getting better and better. Please, don't make me fall for you if you just gonna left me. I just want to feel wanted not abandoned.

Dina

Yellow line

I was just listening to Lego House by Ed Sheeran, so excuse any cheesiness in this post.

Where should I start? Oh right, last post.

I spent like two damn hours to wrote that. And fyi, that was probably a long time since I never wrote something that short before (a few, maybe, but I didn't really think when I wrote them). I felt like I needed to do something to prevent me from doing something stupid.

Kenapa judulnya frasa aneh kayak gitu? (Why did you give such a weird phrase to be a title?)

First of all, because I think the phrase fits more than any sentence I could make. Yellow light means 'steady' or be careful in traffic. In my case, yellow light means I have to be careful. Careful to not fall too deep (again) for this particular guy. As much as I love to admit how cute he is, there is no way I'd just fall like that (he made me fall, kind of..), I'm too scared.

With all shit going on in my life right now, I don't think fall for someone would do me any good. Worse, it feels like I could be crazier person if I did. Yeah sure he is good, he is kind, and I started to think he really cares about me. But I just..... I don't know, I guess there's something about him, something that only him could have. Something that makes me weak everytime he speaks, or laughs.

Second, and last, yellow light probably just a simple phrase for normal people when actually that's a huge deal for me. Buat orang aneh kayak gue, nggak banyak cowok yang bener-bener deket sama gue, cowok yang tau siapa gue (for a freak like me, there's not many man who close with me, man who knows me, personally). I might fall to wrong men too many times before finally realized; not all men could fit with my personality. He should be a clarity to my insanity (that's sooooo cheesy!).

What the hell am I doing? It's six o'clock in the morning and instead of doing something to help my aunt, I'm writing this. Damn me. Damn my crazy antics.

Good morning to all of you, lovely people :)

Oh! Today is my friend's birthday! BEN, if you read this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Gila aja, dulu kita sering godain satu sama lain, sempet berencana bikin band gila bareng Dyas sama Gita, eh sekarang nih anak udah mau jadi tentara aja (that's crazy because we used to tease each other, one time we were planning making a new-but-crazy band with Dyas and Gita, and now you're on the way to be a soldier). May good things come to you, my dear friend. Good luck in army, I wish all the best for you :)

I think that's all I have from now.

Bye now from me,

Dina

Not so simple.

I don't know why I'm writing this, honestly.

Maybe I just need something. Something to hold on, something that will never laugh at me the way normal people do. Or maybe I write and wish, this shouldn't be happening. Not after some shit happen in the past few years. I just.. scared, I guess.

There's a guy who's having my heart for the third time we met. Yes, third. I won't tell his name, no. That's probably the last thing I'd do right at the time.

The first time we met.. it was orientation day (actually, he saw me first on pre-orientation day but I didn't notice him sit not far from me). We were in the same group (it was just me and two other friends from my faculty). The 1st day was.... pretty awkward. I didn't even know his name. But we finally knew each other names the next day.

I'm such an awkward person. I always shy for the first time meeting new people. Sounds silly, I know. It happens because meeting new people is actually not really my thing. It is out of my comfort zone. But at least I'm still trying.

Back to he-who's-currently-owns-my-heart.

Turned out, we actually get along really well. He is such a fun guy to talk to. He is cute, yes, I pretty much admit that one. But we didn't really talk or meet, after the orientation days. Realizing how far my faculty from his, I didn't wish he'd remember me the next time we meet.

But you can't get all your wishes granted, can you?

It was a week after the orientation day and someone (from same group as us) told me he loves me. We have different religions and yeah sure, he is kind but I just don't think we being together will work well. So, I rejected him (it was the hardest thing because I'm easily feel uncomfortable with people's feelings). The thing was I didn't really know how to, until I remembered him. He told me the safest way to told this guy which I did.

Then I went to his faculty (the university I got in has 2 campus, mine is located way far from the other) with my friends. And because me and my friends join some activities (it called UKM here, Unit Kegiatan Mahasiswa), we go there a lot. It was the third time when we met and I just realized; he was laughing at my lame jokes.

I was too broken to think I'd have a chance with him. My brain tells me to stop, crushing on him won't end too well for me. Probably I was too fucked up when one day, I finally texted him. But he kept replying my messages. He makes me hope. Deep down inside, I know it was wrong.

Hope.

There's nothing worse than a hope. I've been broken for way too long. The last time I hope for something... it went to something ugly (like, I didn't get in to state university). But he went on and on. I thought he care about me, I thought he knew me, maybe not full-story-of-me, but same.

To be honest, I'm scared. I'm afraid something might hurt me again and finally I'll be more broken than I already am. It was like I spent almost three years, three fucking years, to built these walls, wished I could've saved me from falling. But he did it.

Step by step, he was getting there. Right now, it's not just a stupid crush anymore, it turns to a huge-deal-of-something-called-love. 

I love you.

There, I wrote it. Maybe I'm a coward to hide my feeling but at least I never make someone flew too high and run when that someone was screaming "I'm falling, will you catch me?".

I just.. I want him to understand, I can't be like this forever. I've been hurt too many times before, and I don't need him to open up my old scars. If he didn't genuinely care about me, if he thought I just a ragdoll to play with, fuck off. 

Why is everything can't be simple?

New post after....

So, let me say hi first to all of you.

Tunggu, udah berapa lama gue nggak nge-blog? Udah cukup lama kayaknya, gue bahkan udah hampir yakin blog kesayangan gue ini bakal lumutan (as if it lived). 

Beberapa bulan terakhir emang banyak hal terjadi di kehidupan gue. Forget about I didn't get in to a-certain-state-university, gue tetep kuliah kok, di swasta. 

Yap, swasta.

Universitas 17 Agustus 1945 (Untag) Semarang. Nggak sekeren universitas negeri emang, at least I'm studying what I love. Gue ambil jurusan sastra Inggris, bahasa kerennya English Literature. Agak susah juga kalo gue bilang.

This blog currently semi-hiatus from now on. I try to fix some things. Hopefully, this blog will looked more 'mature'. I mean, I basically grow up writing here. So, as I grow up, I also want this blog to 'grow' a little bit :)

Ini cuma permulaan aja sih. I really don't like the idea about delete this blog. Jadi, biar gue dan kalian readers nggak bosen, gue mau ngerubah beberapa hal dan ngehapus beberapa postingan lama gue. Hopefully, nggak makan waktu lama. Because honestly, I miss writing here as well.